Much Ado About Ranma
by Tail Kinker
Summary: Nabiki is making a movie, and is using the Nerima Wrecking Crew for cast! Will this end up costing her more than she saves?
1. Act One, Scene One

* * *

*** Disclaimer ***

Takahashi Rumiko created Ranma 1/2 and all of the characters and situations found therein. I have no rights to them whatsoever, and hope that she and anyone to whom they have been properly licenced do not sue me.

William Shakespeare has been credited with the creation of Much Ado About Nothing, but regardless of whoever actually wrote it, I don't think I'm in danger of being sued for misusing it. My apologies nonetheless to the Bard.

_Nabiki chuckled with glee. Her Literature final project was a doozy--a complete film, properly edited, based on one of William Shakespeare's plays. She'd made a further side bet, with an undergrad, that she could do it in under one hundred thousand yen._

_To be sure, that wager might yet come back to bite her in the wallet. But so far, so good. Some of the people she'd asked to take part had agreed to do it for free; some of the others had agreed to do it in exchange for a reduction in their interest rates. A few others, she'd blackmailed. She'd only had to pay wages for three. And since both Tsubasa and Kodachi had bit parts...well, it helped keep the fees down._

_Her scriptwriter, on the other hand, didn't need to be paid, bribed or blackmailed. He'd heard about this project, and had jumped in with both feet. Never mind that he was a gaijin...this just meant that he understood the play better. At the moment, he was slouching in a folding beach chair, script in hand, near one of the cameras._

_After wages, camera rental, copies of the script, and the purchase of her editing software, she had 79,000 yen left in her budget. But of course, this was merely the first day of shooting..._

_"Okay, people, here's the situation." Nabiki leaned back in her director's chair--she'd swiped it from the college, but she figured nobody would notice before she returned it._

_"What we're gonna do is a modern remake of a classic play. I downloaded the original English version off of a web site and translated it into Japanese." She waved a sheaf of papers in the air. "Each of you will get a copy of these."_

_"Hey, Nabiki." Ranma stepped forward out of the small crowd. "Why a modern remake?"_

_"I saw a version of Romeo and Juliet done like that. I didn't like it." Nabiki shrugged. "DiCaprio made a reasonably good Romeo, but everything else was..."_

_"DiCaprio?"_

_"Leonardo DiCaprio. Famous movie star. Did Man in the Iron Mask, Titanic..."_

_Ranma scratched his head. "That's the guy that did the MasterCard commercial, right? Pretended he was a martial artist?"_

_Nabiki sighed. "Right."_

_Tofu spoke up. "When do we begin?"_

_"Today. I want to get Act One, Scene One out of the way quickly." She double-checked her casting call. "So, clear the gate area. Dad, Kasumi, Akane, on stage. Tsubasa, just outside, please."_

_The crowd milled about, till only the three were left on stage. Nabiki hopped to her feet. Her videocameras were mounted on sturdy tripods, and activated by remote, but she wanted to be closer to them. Just in case. She touched the record button on the remotes. "Rolling...Action!"_

Tail Kinker Presents

In Association with TN Enterprises

Much Ado About Ranma

"Girls! I have wonderful news!" Soun re-read the letter in his hands, as though not quite believing it. "My old friend, Saotome Genma, comes here very soon! He is bringing with him his protege, Ono Tofu."

From just outside the gate, Tsubasa nodded. "Doctor Tofu has demonstrated both skill and mercy. Saotome has praised him to the stars. I've already delivered a letter from Tofu to his mother, here in town, as well as one from Saotome."

"Oh?"

"Yes; she wept with joy. Though she still desires to see her son wed to a good woman..."

Akane butted in at this point. "What about the Grand High Pervert? Is he coming as well?"

Tsubasa blinked. "Surely you don't mean--"

Kasumi smiled. "My sister refers to Genma's son, Saotome Ranma."

"Ah!" Tsubasa nodded. "Yes, he is with them, and as pleasant a person as always."

Akane snorted. "That bad, eh? Probably still chasing after anything female."

Soun laughed. "I think you protest too much, Akane. Never fear, I believe young Ranma will treat you properly." He began to walk towards the house; the other three followed him.

Tsubasa added, "He has done well on this training voyage with his father and Ono."

"Don't fret over my daughter's attitude, Kurenai. She and Ranma have this war of the wits every time they meet--"

"Pity he's unarmed," Akane muttered. "Last time we met, he acted so stupidly that you couldn't tell him from a wild horse. Who's he hanging off of now?"

"Hm?"

"Every time I see him, he's either got some tart hanging off of his arm, or he's following some martial artist around like a lost puppy."

Tsubasa cleared his throat. "I believe that Ranma has spent a lot of time with Tofu."

"Ah. I see. I do hope that Doctor Tofu knows a cure for it."

"For what?"

"Ranma."

Tsubasa blinked. Soun turned, and looked back at the gates. "We have guests!"

Tsubasa let out a sigh of relief. "Thank the Kami, they're here!" He bolted through the gate, grateful to escape.

Saotome Genma strutted through the gate, larger than life and three times as ugly. Behind him were Ranma, Doctor Tofu, Kuno Tatewaki and Gosunkugi Hikaru. As soon as he came into Kasumi's presence, Tofu's glasses fogged up, and his face took on an idiotic expression.

Genma's voice boomed out across the compound. "Tendo! Good to see you!"

"It's been too long, Saotome." Tendo stepped forward and gripped his friend's hand, a rare smile crossing his face.

"So it has, so it has." He glanced over at Akane and Kasumi. "Are these your daughters, then?"

"Well, their mother told me they were..." Tendo grinned.

Ranma snorted. "Did you doubt her?"

"No, not at all." He tilted his head. "You were only a year old when Akane was born, so I had no reason to doubt her..."

Ranma scowled, as the rest of the small crowd burst into laughter. All of the crowd, save Akane, who waited for the laughter to die down.

"Maybe you would like some salt for that foot?"

Ranma scowled at her.

Akane tilted her head. "I always wondered why you keep talking, when nobody's listening to you."

"I shoulda expected to see you here, Akane. I suppose it's a little beyond belief to expect you'd be out on a date or something. Nobody's interested in a macho chick like you."

Suddenly, it was Akane's turn to fume. "I'm surprised I don't see a bimbo hanging off of you. Did you manage to lose them all? Maybe they realized what a pervert you are?"

"I ain't a pervert!" Ranma's scowl deepened. "I ain't never encouraged any of 'em."

Tendo raised his hands. "Enough of this! This is a happy occasion! Genma, my old friend. Will you stay with us awhile? Perhaps a month or two?"

"I shall be happy to, Soun. I believe my friends will not object?"

"Indeed not, my lord and master." Kuno drew himself forward in a bow. "Good sir Tendo, let me thank you from the bottom of my heart. To have such a fine residence in which I might stay, and under the roof of the beauteous Akane--"

_"Cut!" Nabiki hopped off of her chair, hit the stop button on the remote, and stormed onto the set. "Kuno!"_

_"Yes, Tendo Nabiki? You were about to comment on my excellent diction and_ ad lib _performance?"_

_"Not at all." She handed him the script. "Please open this to page three, second column, line five, and read to me your line."_

_Kuno opened the script, and flipped the page. "'I am not of many words, but I thank you.'"_

_"Perfect." She tore the script from his hands, and turned to walk back to her chair._

_"But, surely my lines are far more melodious--"_

_"No."_

_"But they are inspired--"_

_"No, Kuno." She turned and leveled a finger at him. "My lines. Unless you'd like to forfeit those photos?"_

_"What photos?" Akane and Ranma yelled at the same time._

_"None of your business." She turned back to Kuno. "Well?"_

_"I...shall recite your lines."_

_"Good. From Dad's line. Rolling, and...Action!"_

Tendo raised his hands. "Enough of this! This is a happy occasion! Genma, my old friend. Will you stay with us awhile? Perhaps a month or two?"

"I shall be happy to, Soun. I believe my friends will not object?"

Kuno sighed. "I am not of many words, but I thank you."

"It is good to see you reconciled with your old teacher, Tatewaki." Soun turned back to Genma. "Please...this way?" He led them into the house, leaving only Ranma and Tofu standing outside.

Tofu's glasses, and possibly his mind, cleared of the fog. "Did you see her? Tendo's daughter?"

"Who? That tomboy Akane?"

A shoe flew out of the doorway, and smacked into Ranma's head. "Ranma, you jerk!"

_"Cut!!" Nabiki threw her script down on the ground, jumped up, and stormed towards her little sister. "Akane!"_

_"He called me a tomboy!"_

_"Ranma is merely reciting the lines that I gave him."_

_"But--"_

_"No buts!" Nabiki jabbed a finger in Akane's direction. "He didn't say the lines. I did. Are you going to throw a shoe at me?"_

_"...No."_

_"Fine." Nabiki picked up the shoe, and threw it back at her sister. She turned and stalked towards the director's chair._

_The scriptwriter chuckled. "I told you this wasn't going to work, Nabs."_

_"Shut up. And don't call me that." She dropped into her chair, grabbed her remote, and clicked. "From Tofu's line. Action!"_

"Did you see her? Tendo's daughter?"

"Who? That tomboy Akane?"

"No! Kasumi! Isn't she lovely? And so nice..."

"Look, Doc. According to Akane, I'm some sorta pervert. You want my opinion on Kasumi?"

"We both know it isn't true, Ranma."

Ranma shrugged. "She is kinda nice. Not my type, really."

"She is an angel! A goddess!"

"Hey, Doc." Ranma sighed. "She's just a girl, y'know? Heck, I think Akane's even better looking than her, as long as you stay away from the sharp end."

"Not to me!"

Genma stepped back out of the house. "Hey, what's keeping you two?"

Ranma raised his hands. "Nothin'!"

"Ranma..." Genma sighed. "On your honour as a martial artist, you must tell me."

Ranma patted Tofu's shoulder. "Sorry, pal." To his father: "The poor guy's in love."

"With?"

Ranma hesitated. "With Kasumi."

"So?" Genma raised his eyebrows. "He could make a worse choice."

"That's what I said."

Genma grinned. "You disapprove of her?"

"Why would he wanna get married, anyway?" Ranma folded his arms and leaned back against the stone wall. "I mean, he's gettin' ready to give up all his freedom. You think she's gonna let him wander the world? You think she's gonna be happy bein' home all alone? Heck, you think she even likes martial arts?"

Genma laughed. "It's not like she'd marry you!"

"And a good thing! I don't intend to get married any time soon, or possibly ever!"

Tofu poked Ranma in the arm. "I think we'll see you fall in love yet."

"Maybe fall in debt, fall ill, fall in a pit, or have a windfall. But never fall in love." He snorted. "And if ever I do, I'll just break out the sake and drink until I fall out of love." He pushed himself away from the wall. "I'm outta here." He stalked into the house.

Genma glanced over at Tofu. "You really like Kasumi, huh? I tell you what..." He grinned. "Tendo and I go way back. I could vouch for you. Of course, you still gotta win the girl yourself, but..."

"That's a bit of a problem." Tofu adjusted his glasses. "I'm not exactly myself when I'm around her."

"What do you mean?"

"Well...I lose control of myself. I'm likely to do or say almost anything."

"Hm. Tell you what. Not only shall I speak with Tendo...I shall help you win the girl!"

Tofu laughed. "You?"

"Indeed." He leaned closer to the younger man. "You've met my wife. You recall how much like Kasumi she is?"

"I always wondered about that..."

"Trust me. This old dog still has a few tricks." He stepped back, and clapped a hand on the Doctor's shoulder. "Let's go in. Dinner's being served shortly." The two turned, and walked into the house, leaving the courtyard empty.

_"Cut! And print!" Nabiki grinned inwardly at the needlessness of the last order; she had no camera crew beyond herself._

_The group filed back out of the house, talking animatedly. She heard a subdued "Hallelujah!" from someone in the back._

_"Okay, listen up!" She waved her hands over her head, and waited for the group to fall silent. "Second and third scenes are really short. I want to get them both out of the way tomorrow. Tsubasa, I don't think we need you until Act Five, about a week from now."_

_"I can change?" Tsubasa was scratching at the jeans._

_"Yeah. Go put on a dress or something. Everyone else: Nice work so far. If the next two scenes go as smoothly, we can be done this thing in two weeks at the outside." She grinned...such a finish would leave her almost thirty thousand yen under budget. "Scenes Two and Three have Dad, Happousai, Hiroshi, Daisuke and Kuno. We need everyone here on Thursday for Act Two. Be here, people!"_

_The crowd began to disperse. Nabiki turned back and began disassembling her camera gear._

_The scriptwriter was still seated in his chair. "Not a bad first day, Nabs."_

_"I told you not to call me that."_

_"You think you can keep them from each other's throats tomorrow?"_

_"Scene Two should be no more than two minutes long. I think we can keep Happi in line that long. Scene Three is only a bit longer." She narrowed her eyes. "But we still don't have anyone to play Antonio's son. I don't want to hire an extra."_

_"I'm not willing to do it, Nabs." The scriptwriter shook his head. "A lot of people would be very upset at me for doing it." He grinned. "I got a better idea. You know that Shakespeare often used a young boy to play a girl, right?"_

_"What's your point? It is customary for a son to be a boy." Her eyes widened suddenly._

_The scriptwriter grinned. "You just got it, didn't you?"_

_"Ohhh, yes." She grinned. "I'll have to talk to Ukyou for the...costuming. Nice thinking. We'll keep you around."_

_"You'd better." The scriptwriter tapped the cover page of his creation. "Without this...you've got nothing."_

* * *


	2. Act One, Scenes Two and Three

* * *

*** Disclaimer ***

Takahashi Rumiko created Ranma 1/2 and all of the characters and situations found therein. I have no rights to them whatsoever, and hope that she and anyone to whom they have been properly licenced do not sue me.

William Shakespeare has been credited with the creation of Much Ado About Nothing, but regardless of whoever actually wrote it, I don't think I'm in danger of being sued for misusing it. My apologies nonetheless to the Bard.

_"Who's stupid idea was this anyway?" Ranma tugged at the breast bindings in disgust._

_Nabiki considered how to answer that, and decided that she didn't want to lose her scriptwriter this early in the project. "It's not important, Ranma. But the fact is that this scene calls for a male bit part. And since we're out of male actors, we're just gonna have to invent one."_

_Ranma jabbed a thumb at her breast. "Do I look male to you at the moment?"_

_"You will shortly." Nabiki produced a fake mustache and goatee; they were red, and bore a remarkable resemblance to Ranma's hair._

_Ranma scowled at the fake facial hair. "Where'd you get that?"_

_"Remember the incident with the dragon's whisker?" Nabiki smirked. "I figured I'd have a use for thirty feet of red hair."_

_Ranma grabbed the fakes. "Fine! Gimme a shirt."_

_"Five minutes, Ranma." Nabiki turned and walked out of the bathroom._

_"Hey. Nabiki."_

_She turned, and looked down at the old man. "What is it, Happousai?"_

_Happousai scowled at her. "You should treat your master with more respect, girl."_

_"I'm not a martial artist. If I were, I wouldn't want you as a master. Even if I did, you wouldn't accept me. Now then...?"_

_He sighed. "You children have no respect for your elders. I don't like the part you've given me in this movie."_

_"You may feel free to quit if you don't like the part. Of course, you'll forfeit your pay..."_

_Happousai shook his head. "No. I won't quit. But I wonder if the part calls for a more...creative license."_

_"No. It doesn't."_

_"But this Antonio fellow...he's an old man!"_

_Nabiki raised an eyebrow._

_"Old men in Shakespeare get no action!" He broke into tears. "Surrounded by such female loveliness, and here I am with an old man's part, nearly a monk...Truly, this destroys all of my remaining happiness in life!"_

_"Have you been taking lessons from Kuno?" Nabiki shook her head. "How far into the script have you read?"_

_"Um...Today's scenes."_

_"Read Act Two, Scene One. Then shut up and leave me alone. I'm due on location in five." She walked out, giving him no further chance to protest._

_Her father was already on set, leaning against one of the stone pillars that supported the compound's gate. The cameras were in place; the scriptwriter was putting the final adjustments on Camera Two. Besides doing the writing, he'd proven to be a passable cameraman, and a fair video editor. She was glad; the job might have proven too much for her to handle._

_"All set?"_

_"Yep." He tossed her the video camera's remote control. "I set the cameras for a little better separation this time. You'll be able to control them independantly this way. Just remember, if you want to stop both, you'll have to point at both."_

_"Okay."_

_He shrugged. "It'd be better just to let both roll anyway. We might get some useful footage that way."_

_She smirked. "You're starting to think like me."_

_"Nope. I was thinking of patchwork. You were thinking of blackmail." He picked his copy of the script up off of his chair and sat down._

_"Right. On that note..." She turned towards her father. "Dad, on cue, you enter from the gate. Happousai, you enter at the same time."_

_"I understand." Soun nodded._

_"Right. Cameras..." She clicked her remote, re-aimed, and clicked again. "...and...Action!"_

Tail Kinker Presents

In Association with TN Enterprises

Much Ado About Ranma

"Good morning, my brother."

"Ah, Soun! A marvellous day, isn't it?"

"Indeed." Soun tilted his head. "And that music that I hear--"

The music was harsh, discordant, and decidedly unpleasant. Soun winced. "Your son...he--" He shook his head, and rubbed his ears.

_"Cut!" Nabiki sighed._

_The cameraman smirked. "That didn't take long."_

_Ranma stalked out of the house, waving a koto. "Nabiki! You know I can't play this! Why the heck--"_

_"It's a prop, Ranma. It's not even in tune. Don't play it. Just...air guitar, okay?"_

_"Fine!" She turned and stalked back into the house._

_"From the top folks. Action!"_

"Good morning, my brother."

"Ah, Soun! A marvellous day, isn't it?"

"Indeed." Soun tilted his head. "And that music that I hear...Your son is playing it?"

"Yes. He's quite skilled, isn't he?" Happousai grinned. "Listen, I got a bit of a tip from one of my boys."

"Do tell?"

"It seems that the good Doctor Tofu is rather smitten with your daughter Kasumi!"

"Really?" Soun smiled.

"Really. In fact, he intends to chat her up at the dance tonight, and if all goes well, why I would be surprised to learn that he doesn't ask your permission to marry her!"

"This fellow that told you this...He's trustworthy?"

"Oh, quite." Happousai pulled out his pipe, and began stuffing it with tobacco. "If you like, I'll call him up and you can talk to him yourself."

"No, no. That's quite all right. But I'll mention it to Kasumi, just so she's not caught totally unawares. Or better yet, you tell her."

"A very good idea."

Ranko stepped out of the Tendo family home, a koto in his hands. The young man bore a striking resemblance to Ranma, though he was somewhat shorter and sported a beard and moustache. "A traditional air for the dance tonight, Tendo-san?"

"Sweeto!" Happousai tossed his pipe to the side and launched himself towards Ranko, firmly affixing himself to the boy's chest.

_"Cut!!" Nabiki jumped up and stormed onto the set. "Happousai!"_

_"Not now, Nabiki!" But the old man's pleasure was cut short by a tiny, delicate fist smashing him to the ground._

_Nabiki smirked. Ranma fumed. Happousai sulked._

_"Now then. Bear in mind, Happousai, that Ranma-chan's character is male. Not female. Got it?"_

_"But--"_

_"It would be very little trouble to replace you at this stage. Got it?"_

_Happousai sighed. "Got it."_

_"Right then." Nabiki walked back to her chair, and sat down. "Ranma, back inside. Good. From Ranko's entrance, please. Action!"_

Ranko stepped out of the Tendo family home, a koto in his hands. "A traditional air for the dance tonight, Tendo-san?"

"Yes. That would be perfect. My brother...you should see to my daughter. And you, my cousin...we must consider the music for the dance!"

_"Cut! Great, fantastic. Ranma, you can change back."_

_"About freakin' time." Ranma stormed off the set, already removing his shirt. Nabiki turned to the writer._

_"How did we do?"_

_"Pretty good. We'll use the footage from Ranko's first entrance...it's more natural."_

_"Sounds fine to me. Let's move this junk to Ranma's bedroom, and we'll shoot Scene Three. I'll go collect Kuno and the boys."_

_This proved rather easily done, as all three of the actors needed for Scene Three were in the kitchen, enjoying a plate of Kasumi's cookies. Kasumi herself was nowhere to be seen, but Nabiki figured that even Kuno would be welcome to Kasumi's cookies._

_"All right, you three. Scene Three's being shot in Ranma's room, upstairs."_

_Hiroshi gave her a thumbs-up, the best he could do with a mouth full of cookie. Daisuke was a little more verbal. "No problem, Nabiki." He took a quick swig of milk._

_Kuno stood, and grabbed his kimono. "I understand, Tendo-san, why the formal garb is required for this part, a prince among men. But I wonder at your specific choice? Surely there are many finer garments in my wardrobe. Why do you choose this specific robe?"_

_"Because it's black, Kuno-baby." She jerked a thumb over her shoulder. "Stairs are that way, door at the end of the hall. Five minutes." She turned and left, before Kuno could complicate things even further._

_The scriptwriter was struggling with both cameras and tripods; the very sight of it made her teeth sweat. She grabbed one set. "Easy, there. These are very delicate. And expensive."_

_"I told you we shoulda used digital stuff, Nabs."_

_"Don't call me that. I--" She gaped, as the camera fell off the tripod, and hit the floor with an expensive-sounding thump._

_"Oh, hell."_

_"It wasn't mine, Nabs." He grabbed the camera off his own tripod, as though to emphasize the point._

_"Yeah...As much as I'd like to blame you. How badly do we need both cameras for this scene?"_

_"Not really. Just have to do at least two takes. Heck, it might even be a bonus."_

_"I doubt it."_

_"We can get some strong angles, without worrying about filming the other camera."_

_"Set it up." She picked up the damaged camera. "I'm gonna stick this in my room, and hope that the damage isn't too bad."_

_"Best pull the tape out of it, right away."_

_"Yeah." She did so, then ran up the stairs. She opened the door to her room, dropped the camera on her bed, then put the tape in the VCR. She set up the computer to run a video capture, thenran back out._

_The scriptwriter had just finished setting up his equipment, but her actors were not on stage yet. "Is that one okay?"_

_"Yep. Just dandy."_

_"Good." She turned, to see Kuno and the boys arriving at the top of the stairs. "Two takes, huh?"_

_"With these three, we'll probably have to take five."_

_"Be ready to move the camera on cue."_

_"Right."_

_Kuno stepped up to her. "Tendo-san, we are ready for our direction in this thespian activity."_

_"Cut the crap, Kuno. You and Hiro stay here; Daisuke, in the room, against the window."_

_"Okay."_

_"Camera is set."_

_"Perfect. Roll, and...Action!"_

"Why the long face, Kuno-sempai?"

Kuno sighed as he entered the room. "There is no measure in the occasion; my sadness is beyond measure."

Daisuke shrugged. "Well, if it can't be cured..."

"I cannot cure what I am! I must be sad when I have cause; I must eat when I am hungry; I must sleep when I am tired, and laugh when I am merry!"

"I guess..." Daisuke shrugged. "But why hold it out in the open? I mean, you've been trying to get back in Saotome's good graces, right?"

"I'd rather be a thorn in a hedge, than a rose in his hand! We must be fair, my friend; I am a villain."

"...Okay. Daisuke glanced away from Kuno, as though expecting something, but whatever it was, it didn't occur. He looked back at Kuno. "So whatever it is that you're ticked about, can't you use it to your benefit?"

"Mayhap, but--" He broke off as Hiroshi came in. "What news, Borachio?"

_"Cut." Nabiki sighed. "Kuno, we're not using the original names from the play, okay?"_

_"Very well, Tendo Nabiki."_

_"From Hiroshi's entrance. Action!"_

"Mayhap, but--" He broke off as Hiroshi came in. "What news, Hiroshi?"

"Well, it seems that Doctor Tofu is going to ask Kasumi to marry him!"

"Indeed? And what mischief might I form from this, I wonder?" He considered, then laughed shortly. "Let us go to the dance! We shall find our mischief there!"

_"Cut!" Nabiki grinned. "Great work, guys!"_

_"But Kuno flubbed all of his lines!" Hiroshi protested. "You called him down yesterday--"_

_"Kuno was still downplaying Don John's lines. Probably didn't remember them properly." Nabiki gestured to the scriptwriter, who began moving the camera. "I want to do it again, from a different angle; we'll get the door, where the camera was sitting. 'Roshi, I want you to be around the frame until your entrance, okay?"_

_"Got it."_

_"Great. Let's get this one done, and then we can all go have more of Kasumi's cookies."_

_"Set over here, Nabs."_

_"Don't call me that. Roll 'em. Action!"_

"Why the long face, Kuno-sempai?"

Kuno sighed as he entered the room. "There is no measure in the occasion; my sadness is beyond measure."

Daisuke shrugged. "Well, if it can't be cured..."

"I cannot cure what I am! I must be sad when I have cause; I must eat when I am hungry; I must sleep when I am tired, and--hark!"

"Eh?"

"Is this before me not one of the pig-tailed girl's most intimate garments?" He leaned over, and drew the brassiere from beneath the futon. "Certain it is that it is not one of Saotome's!"

_"Cut!"_

_"But then this means that the pig-tailed girl was in a state of undress in Saotome's bedchamber!"_

_"I said cut, goddammit!"_

_"The foulness of the demon goes un--"_

_"KUNO!!"_

_Kuno blinked, and turned to face Nabiki. "Yes, Tendo Nabiki?"_

_"Put that back."_

_He blinked. "But--"_

_"Kuno, we've used this area as a dressing room, okay? Are you surprised that the pig-tailed girl might have forgotten this here? Especially since she was using...an alternative form of support today?"_

_"But--"_

_"Put it back, Kuno."_

_He did so, though reluctantly._

_"Now then." She stepped back out of the camera's field of view. "From Kuno's line."_

_"But--"_

_"Make that Daisuke's line. Action."_

Daisuke shrugged. "Well, if it can't be cured..."

"I cannot cure what I am! I must be sad when I have cause; I must eat when I am hungry; I must sleep when I am tired, and laugh when I am merry!"

"I guess..." Daisuke shrugged. "But why hold it out in the open? I mean, you've been trying to get back in Saotome's good graces, right?"

"I'd rather be a thorn in a hedge, than a rose in his hand! We must be fair, my friend; I am a villain."

"...Okay. Daisuke glanced away from Kuno, as though expecting something, but whatever it was, it didn't occur. He looked back at Kuno. "So whatever it is that you're ticked about, can't you use it to your benefit?"

"Mayhap, but--" He broke off as Hiroshi came in. "What news, Hiroshi?"

"Well, it seems that Doctor Tofu is going to ask Kasumi to marry him!"

"Indeed? And what mischief might I form from this, I wonder?" He considered, then laughed shortly. "Let us go to the dance! We shall find our mischief there!"

_"Cut, and print. Good work. Get lost."_

_Kuno stepped towards her. "But about that article of apparel--"_

_"Yes, she wore it. You can take it, if you want. I'm sure she's done with it." If she recalled correctly, it was the bra that Ranma had worn for his photo-shoot, to try to trap Happousai. No wonder Kuno had recognized it; he had purchased some fifty prints from that shoot._

_"Perhaps you confuse me with the Master of Perversion. I merely wished to ensure it was returned to its rightful owner."_

_"I'll do that myself. Now get lost."_

_He turned and stalked out of the room. Nabiki collapsed against the wall. "Thank God that's over."_

_"That wasn't so bad," offered the scriptwriter._

_The glare that he got in return would have melted tool steel._

* * *


	3. Act Two, Scene One

* * *

*** Disclaimer ***

Takahashi Rumiko created Ranma 1/2 and all of the characters and situations found therein. I have no rights to them whatsoever, and hope that she and anyone to whom they have been properly licenced do not sue me.

William Shakespeare has been credited with the creation of Much Ado About Nothing, but regardless of whoever actually wrote it, I don't think I'm in danger of being sued for misusing it. My apologies nonetheless to the Bard.

_Nabiki surveyed the dojo and its decorations. "Not bad. Not too shabby at all, if I do so say myself." She turned to the scriptwriter. "You done setting those up?"_

_"Almost, Nabs."_

_"Don't call me that."_

_"Sure." He tossed her the remote. "The damage to the camera cost a bundle to fix."_

_"How much?"_

_"Forty-five hundred yen."_

_Nabiki winced. "Ouch. Still, it's not as bad as I feared."_

_"Yeah." He jerked a thumb back at the camera. "I think we should put a couple of cuts in this scene. Move the cameras around whenever we can. We've got a lot of space to cover, and a lot of people to film this time around."_

_"I agree. But don't worry. With this gang of idiots, we'll have plenty."_

_Even as she spoke, several of the idiots in question were entering the dojo. Nabiki turned towards them. "All right, you guys. We got a chance to cheat in this scene." She pointed at a cardboard box on the floor. "The masks in the box have your lines on them. Make sure you get the right ones."_

_"I don't have any lines in this scene!"_

_"Then it doesn't matter which mask you get, right? Right. Dad, Happousai, Akane, Kasumi and Taro, on first."_

Tail Kinker Presents

In Association with TN Enterprises

Much Ado About Ranma

"Kuno didn't come to dinner, did he?"

"Hm?" Happousai looked up at Soun. "No, I don't think he did."

"Good enough for me," grumbled Akane. "He gives me heartburn."

Kasumi nodded. "He does really need to learn to cheer up."

"And Ranma needs to learn to shut up."

Soun smiled. "So half of Kuno's temperament in Ranma, and half of Ranma's...errr..."

"Lippiness?"

"Good enough." Soun laughed. "We might find you a husband yet!"

Akane shuddered. "Oh, sure. But he'd also have to be brave, smart and rich."

"Kuno's rich."

"But not brave and smart. And Ranma's brave." She smiled impishly. "And what would I do with Ranma, anyway? Dress him up like a maid?"

Happousai broke in. "Woohoo! I'd love to see that!"

_"Cut!"_

_"Aww, Nabiki--"_

_"Can it, old man. Time is money."_

_Happousai grumbled. "All right, I'll behave."_

_"See that you do. From Dad's line. Action!"_

"Kuno's rich."

"But not brave and smart. And Ranma's brave." She smiled impishly. "And what would I do with Ranma, anyway? Dress him up like a maid?"

Soun broke in. "I must tell you, Akane, that it has been my hope that the Saotome line and our own is to be joined someday. So if Ranma were to propose to you--"

"No, Dad. No way."

Happousai broke in. "You must do as your father says, girl. Kasumi understands, don't you, dear?"

Akane shook her head. "Kasumi always does what Dad says. Dad could tell her to marry Ranma, and all she would say is, 'As it pleases you.' But if he does tell you to marry Ranma, Sis, you should say instead, 'As it pleases me.'"

Happousai cackled at that. "Ah, a free spirit is such a rare thing! Soun, old boy, I'll go fetch our guests and lead them here." He picked up a box of masks, and exited the dojo.

"Well, Kasumi," said Soun. "If either Ranma, or Genma for that matter, approach you in this purpose, I do hope you'll at least consider it."

"Yes, Father." Kasumi nodded. "Though I do hope that if one of them were to woo me, it would be in earnest."

"Our guests approach. Let us make merry!"

The doors opened, and Genma, Tofu, Ranma and Gosunkugi entered. Each carried a mask, and raised them up over their faces as they entered. Behind them came several others, masks held over their faces.

Genma stepped up to Kasumi. "Kasumi, dear. May I walk with you alone?"

"As long as you merely walk, and don't talk..." Kasumi raised her own mask. "Then you may walk with me."

"And if I wish to talk?"

"Then I hope what you have to say will interest me before I walk away."

"And if I wish to earn your favour?"

She lowered her mask. "I..."

"Yes?"

"I...forgot my line."

_"Cut." Nabiki sighed, picked up her script, and walked onto the set. "I thought you said you didn't need the cue cards."_

_"I'm sorry, Nabiki, I really am."_

_"It's okay, Sis. Hey! Move that camera, will you?"_

_Her last order was to the scriptwriter, who hastened to shift the tripod to a better location._

_"Okay, Sis. Here's the line."_

_"Thank you, Nabiki." Kasumi scanned the text, flipping ahead a couple of pages. "Weren't we supposed to have music in this scene?"_

_"We're going to add it by computer later. It's easier on the sound system."_

_"Oh." She handed back the script. "I'm ready now."_

_"Great. You're doing fine, Sis." She returned to her chair. "From the top of page nine. Action!"_

"And if I wish to talk?"

"Then I hope what you have to say will interest me before I walk away."

"And if I wish to earn your favour?"

She lowered her mask. "I..."

"Yes?"

"I will hear what you have to say." She took his arm and walked towards the shrine.

Across the room, Gosunkugi shyly approached Kodachi. "May I dance with you?"

She looked down at him. "You? Why on earth would I dance with you?"

_"Cut! Kodachi, that was not your line!"_

_She turned towards Nabiki. "But he is a commoner!"_

_"So is your character. Cope with it!"_

_"I shall not! I refuse to dance with anyone but my Ranma-sama!"_

_"Kodachi..." Nabiki ground her teeth. "Need I remind you of the discussion we had on Sunday?"_

_"I--" Kodachi swallowed audibly. "Very well. I shall lower myself to this level." She hung her head._

_"Good."_

_The scriptwriter leaned over to Nabiki. "What do you have on her?"_

_Nabiki shrugged. "Photographs of her herbal garden. Most of what is growing in it is incredibly illegal."_

_"This won't be the last time she'll be a problem, you know."_

_"I know. I have more. Don't worry about it." She raised a hand to her mouth. "From Hikaru's line! Action!"_

Across the room, Gosunkugi shyly approached Kodachi. "May I dance with you?"

She looked down at him. "Are you sure you want to? I have many terrible flaws."

"Name one?"

"I laugh very loudly."

"Then you are a happy person!"

"Yes...very happy, if I have a good dancer. Happier still, if he is out of sight once the dance is over."

"Good enough." Gosunkugi took her arm and lead her onto the dance floor.

_"Cut!"_

_Gosunkugi blinked. "What went wrong there?"_

_"Nothing. But I'm in this scene too." She strode onto the set, mask in hand. "Camera crew! I want my best angle on this!"_

_"No problem, Nabs."_

_"Action!"_

Nabiki looked down at the very short old man before her. "I know you. You're Happousai."

"Nope!"

"You know any other little tiny dirty old men around here?"

"I'm just a reasonable facsimile!"

"You couldn't possibly be that good a fake. No-one could imitate the inimitable."

"Nope! Not him!"

"Oh, really? Tell you what. I'll dance with you. If you manage to avoid groping me, I'll be convinced you're not Happousai." She led him onto the dance floor.

_"Cut." She smacked Happousai as he groped her, then sat back down in her chair. And shuddered. "That took a lot of willpower. Action!"_

Akane scowled at the masked Ranma. "Will you not tell me who said so?"

"Nope. Won't tell." Ranma wasn't dressed in his usual chinese silks; instead, he wore a chinese Maoist uniform. So Akane might be forgiven for not recognizing him.

"And you won't tell me who you are?"

"Nope."

"Hm." Akane frowned. "'A sharp-tongued uncute tomboy.' Sounds like Ranma, through and through."

"Ranma? Who's he?"

"Oh, you know him. He's that loudmouth fool in the red shirt, usually hangs around with his father and makes rude comments about people."

"When I see him, I'll tell him you said so."

"You do that. No doubt he'll have some strong words about me, too." She stomped off.

Kuno and Hiroshi stepped in, without masks, and looked on the proceedings. Kuno walked up to one of the masked dancers, and clapped a hand on his shoulder. "That fat fool over there." He gestured towards Genma. "He seems quite interested in Kasumi, doesn't he?"

Hiroshi gestured towards another dancer. "I'm pretty sure that fellow over there is Tofu. I recognize his stance."

"And you, sir..." Kuno looked down at the man in the brown gi. "You're Ranma, right? I recognize a great martial artist anywhere."

"You guessed right."

"Well..." Kuno leaned closer. "This disturbs me. I was certain I heard Tofu, over there, swear his undying affection for Kasumi, and that Genma would woo her in his name. And yet, the fat old fool is wooing in his own name."

The masked man looked sharply at Kuno, then across the room at Genma. "Are you sure?"

"Oh, yes. I heard him declare his own love."

Hiroshi broke in. "I heard him say it myself. And, he said he'd marry her tonight."

Kuno shook his head. "Noble Ranma. I entreat you, address your father, and tell him of the error in his dishonourable ways." He clapped the man on the shoulder again, then he and Hiroshi turned and left.

Tofu removed his mask, and sighed heavily. "I think they're right. She is so like his wife..." He frowned. "But he couldn't marry her...so would he simply seduce her, and abandon her?" He considered what he knew of Genma. "Yes, I think he would."

"Hey, Doc!"

Tofu glanced over, to see Ranma in his Maoist uniform.

"Good news. Genma has won Kasumi!"

"He's welcome to her!" Tofu turned and stormed angrily out of the dojo.

Ranma scratched his head. "What the heck?" He threw up his hands. "Aw, I can't figure anything out tonight. First Akane, pretendin' not to know me, then the Doc doin' this." He scowled. "A 'loudmouthed fool.' Hah!"

Genma stepped up to his son. "Where is Tofu?"

"I dunno. I told him the good news, and he took off." Ranma shrugged. "Looked kinda peeved, if you ask me."

"What? Why?"

"I think he got it into his head that you took Kasumi for yourself." He elbowed his father in the ribs. "As if you would."

"No, thank you. Your mother still carries that whacking great sword everywhere she goes." He considered. "I'll speak with the boy. In the meantime...Akane tells me you were unkind to her."

"Unkind? Me?"

"Yes. She says that the gentleman she danced with told her you said all sorts of horrible things about her."

"Hah! It ain't a patch on what she said about me! She called me a loudmouthed fool, and said I make rude comments about everyone! As if she's one to talk!"

"Oh? Here she comes now."

Indeed, Soun and both his daughters were walking towards the Saotomes. Akane had her hand firmly latched around Tofu's arm.

Ranma turned to his father, desperation in his eyes. "Pop, now would be a good time for a training trip. Jushenkyou's nice this time of year, or how about Mount Phoenix? Maybe a bit of the Neko-ken--"

"I think this would be excellent training, Ranma."

"I ain't spending any more time around that macho chick!" And Ranma turned and fled the dojo.

Saotome laughed broadly. "Well, Akane, it seems you've lost the heart of my son."

"I hope so!" She pushed Tofu forward. "I found him. He was hiding in the back shed."

"Ah. Why were you hiding, Tofu-sensei?"

"I wasn't hiding."

"Oh? Sick?"

"No..."

"He's jealous." Akane giggled.

"Ah. Yes, I think my son mentioned that. Don't fear, good Doctor. Here is Kasumi, who I wooed in your name. I have spoken with her father, and he agrees to the match. Now all we need to do is set the date."

"Really?" Tofu's glasses immediately fogged up. "I-- What a--" He seemed completely unable to finish a sentence, but started several.

Akane giggled again. "He's just gonna babble nonsense, Kasumi. Shut him up with a kiss."

Genma smiled. "You are a cheerful girl. I don't really see what my son objects to in you."

Akane shrugged. "I'll admit to a bit of a temper, if you'll admit I have a sense of humour."

Soun spoke up. "Have you considered what I've told you, daughter?"

"Oh, no. Excuse me, Uncle Saotome." And she bolted back into the crowd.

Soun laughed. Genma shook his head. "A very pleasant girl."

"Oh, she is always like that. True, she does get angry at times, but she is a very sweet girl."

"She truly would be a good match for my boy."

"They'd be at each others' throats in a week."

"Really?" Genma rubbed his hands together evilly. "I have a bit of a challenge in mind. Tofu, have you and Kasumi decided on a date?"

"Well..." Tofu's glasses cleared somewhat. "We were thinking about tomorrow..."

"Too soon. We have to prepare for the celebration."

"But we decided on next week at this time."

"Ah, good!" Soun nodded. "We'll still have to hustle, to get everything done in time. But it's doable."

"Indeed. Tendo, old friend, I will wager, oh, six bottles of the finest sake that we can make it a double wedding."

"Oh?"

"Yes. Tofu and Kasumi...and Ranma and Akane."

The other three broke into laughter.

"It'll never happen." Tofu wiped his glasses, sides still shaking. "Ranma himself has told me on many occasions he'll never marry."

"Ah, but if you three will help me, I think we can pull it off."

"All right. I'll help."

"As will I," said Soun. "I've wanted to see her properly wed for some years now."

"I think it would be nice if Ranma and Akane were to get married." Kasumi smiled pleasantly. "I will help, too."

"Excellent. We shall begin immediately!" He glanced over to the buffet table. "Or better yet...after the party."

_"Cut! And print!" She grinned. "Well the hell done, everyone." She waved a hand towards the buffet. "Dig in, everyone. We might as well make this a real party."_

_Cheers went up, and someone popped a CD into the boom box. The scriptwriter hastily jumped to his feet and moved the cameras to safety._

_"Pretty good, Nabs. Only two unscheduled cuts for this whole scene."_

_"Don't call me that. How much did that buffet cost us?"_

_"Seven thousand. That's three over budget."_

_Nabiki worked her abacus, and frowned at her result. "So that leaves us sixty-seven thousand five hundred, after the camera repairs." She flipped open her ledger, and smiled. "Actually, that's not bad for three days of shooting. I predicted we'd be down to sixty-five thousand by now."_

_"Scene two will be short, but scene three's a big one. How do we want to handle this?"_

_"We'll shoot them simultaneously. One's a room scene, one's a garden scene."_

_"We really really need two cameras for scene three."_

_Nabiki considered. "We're moving all this to digital anyway, right? Pick us up a QuickCam. I'll shoot Scene Two directly to digital. Good enough for Lucas..."_

_"Okay, they go for about eight thousand yen. Wait a minute." The scriptwriter frowned. "You're shooting the short one, but I gotta shoot the long one?"_

_"Unless you'd rather deal with Kuno."_

_The scriptwriter considered, then shuddered. "No thanks."_

_"Good thinking." She grinned. "Don't worry. I'll be down to help you as soon as Scene Two is finished."_

_"Why am I not reassured?"_

* * *


	4. Act Two, Scenes Two and Three

* * *

*** Disclaimer ***

Takahashi Rumiko created Ranma 1/2 and all of the characters and situations found therein. I have no rights to them whatsoever, and hope that she and anyone to whom they have been properly licenced do not sue me.

William Shakespeare has been credited with the creation of Much Ado About Nothing, but regardless of whoever actually wrote it, I don't think I'm in danger of being sued for misusing it. My apologies nonetheless to the Bard.

_Nabiki counted the money six times, and every time came up with the same result. 59,650 yen. Somewhat under budget, but not yet near catastrophe level._

_"Hey, Nabs. Got the QuickCam set up for you upstairs."_

_She scowled at him. "What took so long? You're quite late. I don't know if we're gonna be able to finish this shoot today."_

_"Hey, I'm sorry. I had to work, okay?" The scriptwriter glanced around the garden. "Are you sure you want me to handle this by myself?"_

_"Maybe not. I guess I'll handle this set. You take the upstairs room shot, I'll take the garden."_

_"Okay, Nabs."_

_"Don't call me that."_

_The scriptwriter was already flipping through his pages. "Oh, hell."_

_"Problem?"_

_"Yeah. The upstairs scene has Kuno in it. Uh, can I take this scene after all?"_

_Nabiki grinned. "Nope. Don't worry. Kuno's a pushover."_

_* * * * *_

_"Surely, an error has been made. I was under the assumption that Tendo Nabiki would be directing the entire picture. And yet here you are, a commoner and a foreigner besides, presuming to give instruction to the great Tatewaki Kuno, Blue Thun--"_

_"Kuno, Nabiki told me to tell you this, if you gave me any grief: 'If you hassle the scriptwriter, I'll burn your photos.'"_

_Kuno paused, mid-rant. "Truly?"_

_"Truly."_

_The self-proclaimed samurai considered this, then sighed. "Very well. I shall lower myself this time."_

_"Good. Kuno, by the chair."_

_"You shall address me as upperclassman!"_

_"Whatever. Hiroshi, you enter on cue."_

_"No problem."_

_"Rolling, and...Action!"_

Tail Kinker Presents

In Association with TN Enterprises

Much Ado About Ranma

Kuno turned as Hiroshi entered the room. "It is so. Tofu is to be wed to the daughter of Tendo. Even now, they prepare for the festivities. I know not when it shall take place, but all the words spoken by servants and staff state that it shall be very soon."

"Oh, don't worry too much about that. I can stop it."

"Any stoppage, any bar, any cross, will be sweet music to me. I am sick to death of Tofu, and anything you can do to hurt him will be as medicine to me. How can you do this?"

"Well..." Hiroshi chuckled. "It is a bit dishonest..."

"And?"

"Last night I chatted up a young woman named Kodachi--"

"MY SISTER!?!"

_"Cut!"_

_"You impudent cur! I shall have your ears as a trophy on--"_

_"Kuno!"_

_Kuno lowered the bokken he was waving over the helpless Hiroshi, and turned to face the scriptwriter. "You did this! This was your vile plan!"_

_"Kuno, remember that Kodachi is not your sister in this movie, okay?"_

_"To think that my sister would...would debase herself so much as to--"_

_"Kuno, he isn't gonna do anything with your sister, all right?"_

_Kuno scowled at the scriptwriter. "Why should I believe you?"_

_"Look, Kuno. I want this film finished as quickly as possible, right? So would I ever write in anything that would make you or her quit?" He raised a hand. "You have my word of honour. Kodachi will not do anything distasteful. Okay?"_

_"Very well. I shall trust in your honour...for the moment. Though I know not of any foreigner with honour, you may yet surprise me and prove yourself the first."_

_"Fine." The scriptwriter heaved a sigh. "Should never have let Nabs talk me into doin' this. All right. From Hiroshi's line. Action."_

"Well..." Hiroshi chuckled. "It is a bit dishonest..."

"And?"

"Last night I chatted up a young woman named Kodachi. At any time, I can have her look out Kasumi's bedroom window."

"Make your point quickly, knave."

"The woman bears a passing resemblance to Kasumi. In one of Kasumi's dresses, in the dark, she can't be told from her. And if I address her from the ground, as Kasumi, who'll know the difference?"

Kuno smiled. "A truly vile plan. I like it."

"Then call Tendo and Tofu, and let them see. I'll need an hour to set it up. Let them know that Kasumi's seeing someone on the sly. You'll probably have to time it real good. Just make sure I know when it's to be sprung."

"Then I shall pay you fifty thousand yen for this task. I go now to learn of the wedding date, and we shall execute this excellent plan the night before." And he strutted out of the room.

_"Cut, and print. Good work, guys."_

_"Truly, the plan does not call for the defilement of my sister. Though even the suggestion of her consorting with a commoner..."_

_The scriptwriter scratched his head. "Uh, Kuno...I said cut."_

_"It is quite likely that the stain of dishonour from this plan will never lift from her reputation."_

_"Kuno--"_

_Hiroshi patted the screenwriter on the shoulder. "World of his own, dude."_

* * * * *

Ranma glanced around the garden, and sighed. "Boy!"

The 'boy' who stepped forward was in fact older than Ranma, somewhat taller and more slender. His trousers were simple cotton, but his vest seemed to be made of lizard skin. "How may I help, sir?" His voice was lightly accented.

"Uh...I left the book I was reading in my room. Could you possibly get it for me?"

"Why, certainly I can."

Ranma paused. "Uh...Please get it."

The boy nodded, his smirk deepening. "Very well, sir." He turned and left the garden.

Ranma rolled his eyes. "Cretin." He looked down, and sighed. "That Tofu is gonna give me grey hair before long. Up and down he swore that the Art was gonna keep him way too busy to even consider marryin'. Then he meets this Kasumi chick, and he's instantly thinkin' marriage." He shook his head. "Can't see it happening to me, though. Okay, maybe Kasumi is really nice; doesn't bug me. Akane's kinda cute; really doesn't do much for me. That Nabiki girl, she seems smart; don't need that." He chuckled. "Maybe if they manage to package everything good in one chick, it might keep my interest. But that ain't gonna happen."

He tilted his head. "Hey, Pops and old man Tendo are coming." He ducked around the corner of the dojo, putting himself out of sight.

It was not merely Saotome and Tendo, but also Gosunkugi and Tofu who stepped out of the dojo.

"Sing us a tune, Hikaru!" Genma leaned closer to Soun and spoke softly. "Did you see him?"

Soun nodded. "Yes. He's just around the corner."

"Good." He straightened up and looked over towards Gosunkugi, who was trying his best to sing on key. "Come on, Hikaru! You can do better than that!"

From the balcony above, was heard a shout of, "MY SISTER!?"

_"Cut."_

_Ranma scowled. "What? Nobody goofed a line."_

_Nabiki sighed. "I don't know if that idiot was loud enough to be heard on the tape, but I don't want to risk it."_

_The yelling continuted from upstairs. "You impudent cur! I shall have your ears as a trophy on--"_

_Nabiki winced, picked up one of the cameras and moved it. "At least we can use the cut for a new camera angle. From Dad's line, please. Action."_

Soun nodded. "Yes. He's just around the corner."

"Good." He straightened up and looked over towards Gosunkugi, who was trying his best to sing on key. "Come on, Hikaru! You can do better than that!"

Around the corner, Ranma winced. "At least, he can't do any worse."

Gosunkugi finally gave up on singing, and threw his hands up in despair. Genma growled, and waved a fist at him. Gosunkugi gulped, and ran.

Soun shook his head. "Why do you keep that boy around, Genma?"

"Well, he's a great photographer."

"Ah."

"So, you were saying that your daughter Akane is completely in love with Ranma?"

There was a loud thump from the direction of the dojo, as of a body hitting the ground. Both men studiously ignored it.

"Yes. Kasumi told me. It struck me as being, at best, wishful thinking. After all, she wants nothing to do with him, or any other man for that matter." He sighed.

Ranma had clambered back to his feet. "I don't believe it." He slipped deeper, back into the shadows. "I'd say it's a joke, but it's her Dad makin' it!"

Genma chuckled. "She's been known to pull of some excellent jokes in the past. Perhaps she's merely pranking the boy."

"Really? If so, she's either managed it well enough to fool Kasumi, or else Kasumi is in on the gag. I can't really see it either way." He sighed. "Apparently, she's nearly in a state over it all. That's why she treats him so badly, because she can't decide how she should approach him."

"So she hasn't said anything to Ranma?"

Soun shook his head. "I assume not. Kasumi tells me that she swore her to secrecy, but saw no harm in telling me. Apparently, Akane fears that he'll merely mock her."

"Probably he would." Genma sighed. "My own son! I would that I had raised him better, Tendo, but the truth is that he has all too few social skills."

"Still, perhaps we might mention it to him."

Tofu broke in. "I wouldn't bother, Mr. Tendo. He is my best friend, but I do have to admit that he's a mean-spirited man. Especially where Akane is concerned. He'll do anything to annoy her."

"Yes. This is true." Genma shook his head. "I don't understand it myself. If I were single, and she showed any sort of interest, well..."

Tofu nodded. "She's cute, she's smart, she very sweet."

"Youth is wasted on the young."

Tofu leaned closer. "Trust me, Tendo-san. Ranma simply isn't up to this sort of challenge."

"Very well. I bow to your wisdom, gentlemen. Come; dinner awaits." The three walked towards the door.

Tofu chuckled under his breath. "My friends, if he treats her any differently, I'll be much surprised."

Tendo smiled. "We'll get Kasumi and her friends to spread the same net for her...and let's test how well we've done tonight. We'll send her to ask him in to dinner."

With quiet snickers, the three entered the house.

"No way." Ranma, shaking his head in disbelief, stepped out from the shadows surrounding the dojo. "No freakin' way!" He stared after the three men in disbelief. "Man, I just don't believe it! But Kasumi believes it..." He bit his lip. "I guess they're telling the truth. She loves me? And those guys..." He waved a hand. "They think I'd just make fun of her?" He sighed. "Okay, I guess--"

The scriptwriter ran onto the set. "Nabs!"

_"Cut!" Nabiki jumped out of her chair and stormed towards the scriptwriter. "Goddammit, couldn't it wait until the end of the scene?"_

_"Nabs, we got a problem. Kodachi just quit on us."_

_"What?"_

_"Kuno phoned her, told her about the upcoming scene. She immediately quit."_

_"Great. Just goddamn wonderful!" Nabiki sighed. "I suppose she didn't bother reading her lines in the next scene before now?"_

_Akane stepped onto the scene, scowling. "Sis, I gotta go soon. Drama club meeting, remember?"_

_Nabiki turned to her sister. "Akane, this is drama, isn't it?"_

_"Nabiki!" Akane threw up her hands. "I'm the secretary! I can't skip a meeting!"_

_"Fine." She turned back to the scriptwriter. "Dig up the box of extras, find us a replacement." She spun on her heel and stalked back to the chair, still barking instructions. "Akane, back in the wings. Ranma, from the top of the column." She dropped back into her chair. "Please, guys, make this the last take. Action!"_

"Man, I just don't believe it! But Kasumi believes it..." He bit his lip. "I guess they're telling the truth. She loves me? And those guys..." He waved a hand. "They think I'd just make fun of her?" He sighed. "Okay, I guess maybe I would. But I won't any more. She's cute, she's clever, she's even rather pleasant, when she's talkin' to anyone but me." He grinned. "Heck, maybe she is all the best rolled into one." He glanced up at the house. "And here she comes now--"

Akane stepped out of the door and scowled at Ranma. "Dinner's ready. Get in there."

"Yo, thanks for tellin' me."

Akane frowned. "Not my idea. I would have left you out to starve. But Dad wanted me to come get you."

"Well, thanks anyway."

She scowled at him. "Do you have a fever?" She stepped forward, making a fist. "Look, all you and your father did last time you were here is sponge off of us. Over the last two days, it's been more of the same. I've got no use for freeloaders. If you really want to thank me, take your carcass elsewhere." She turned and stormed back into the house.

Ranma grinned. "She asked me if I was feelin' okay. She's not happy with me--probably 'cause I've been ignorin' her. Probably what she meant by 'freeloading'." He shook a fist at the sky. "Pops an' old man Tendo think I can't treat her well. Even Tofu thinks I can't handle it. Well, I ain't turnin' down a challenge like that!"

_"Cut and print." Nabiki hopped to her feet. "Akane--"_

_"Already gone." Tofu stepped out of the house. "Made a beeline from set to gate."_

_"I'm real glad we didn't need another take." Nabiki grimaced, and turned to the scriptwriter. "Found us a replacement for Kodachi yet?"_

_The scriptwriter had a box of index cards open on his lap. Several cards had been dropped in a pile at his feet. "Well...I got two possibilities. One's a friend of Akane's, named Yuka."_

_Nabiki considered it, then shook her head. "No. Whoever it is has to have a similar build to Kasumi. Kodachi was close--you can change a lot with the right costume. But Yuka's way too small."_

_"Okay then. That leaves only one person who can possibly fit the bill." The scripwriter swallowed heavily. "Shampoo."_

_"Oy."_

* * *


	5. Act Three, Scene One

* * *

*** Disclaimer ***

Takahashi Rumiko created Ranma 1/2 and all of the characters and situations found therein. I have no rights to them whatsoever, and hope that she and anyone to whom they have been properly licenced do not sue me.

William Shakespeare has been credited with the creation of Much Ado About Nothing, but regardless of whoever actually wrote it, I don't think I'm in danger of being sued for misusing it. My apologies nonetheless to the Bard.

_"Shampoo not care who see Shampoo naked. You sell any pictures you want. You give away. If Shampoo care, Shampoo wear more clothes."_

_Nabiki sighed. "Fine. What do you want?"_

_The Amazon scowled. "Why mercenary girl think Shampoo want anything?"_

_Nabiki threw up her hands. "I just wanna get this film done, okay? I want the sucker finished!"_

_Shampoo tilted her head. "Why not say so?"_

_"...What do you mean?"_

_"Nabiki come in here, show pictures, make threats. If was warrior, Shampoo might simply beat up. But all you want is film finished?"_

_"...Yeah."_

_"What Shampoo do?"_

_"Well, all you gotta do is play the part of a lady in waiting--"_

_"Play part? Shampoo be movie star!" The girl jumped up in excitement. "I go ask Great-Grandmother if is okay!"_

_Nabiki groaned, and dropped her head in her hands._

_A minute later, Cologne came out of the kitchen._

_"So, you need an extra for your little movie, eh, girl?"_

_Nabiki nodded glumly._

_"Well, luckily for you, Shampoo likes the idea. She's willing to work for free. I, on the other hand, am not so generous with the working time of my best waitress." She cackled. "Mousse, on the other hand, you can have if you want."_

_"No, it's a female part. And Shampoo looks a lot like the original actress."_

_Cologne nodded. "I thought so. So you must pay the piper, eh?"_

_Nabiki sighed. "What do you want?"_

_"Two things. First: You will pay Shampoo's normal wages while she works for you. Keep track of the hours, and make out receipts."_

_"All right. Anything else?"_

_"Yes. Second: You'll find a small part for myself." She grinned. "I, at least, you will not have to pay."_

_"Oh?"_

_"I've always wanted to be in a film."_

Tail Kinker Presents

In Association with TN Enterprises

Much Ado About Ranma

"I have a task for you, Kodachi--"

"Name not Kodachi. Name Shampoo."

_"Cut!" Nabiki sighed. "Well, that was quick."_

_She walked up to the Amazon. "Look, Shampoo. One of the first things to remember when acting, is that you aren't called by your real name."_

_Shampoo frowned. "Other people are. Airen is. Nice girl is."_

_"Yes, that is true. But you are replacing someone who quit. Remember?"_

_"Shampoo still not Crazy Girl." She fingered the single ponytail that had replaced her normal hairdo. The natural purple colour had been covered over with a seven-day black dye. "Even if try to make look like."_

_Nabiki growled. "I know you're not stupid, Shampoo. Why do you act like you are?"_

_Shampoo looked askance at Nabiki. In flawlessly unaccented Japanese, she said, "And give up all the advantages that go with being considered mindless?" She coughed. "Not like what do to throat."_

_Nabiki smirked. "Fine. At least try to use some brain cells here, okay?" She sighed. "Just as well we had to cut...I forgot I was supposed to be in this scene anyway."_

_Kasumi spoke up. "If you are going to be on-camera, who is going to run the cameras? I don't see your partner here."_

_"He's not my partner. He's just an unemployed computer geek foreigner with delusions of being a writer." She fumed. "And he's been paying less and less attention to this ever since--"_

_"Ever since what?"_

_"...Never mind. Not important."_

_The scriptwriter in question chose this unfortunate moment to show up._

_"Hi, Nabs. Sorry I'm late. Did I miss anything?"_

_The resulting beating was, of course, no more than he deserved. Perhaps he should have remembered that Nabiki, while not a martial artist per se, was still physically quite formidable. At least compared to an out-of-shape writer. When it was over, and he was propped up behind a camera, Nabiki stormed onto the set, straightened her clothing, and bellowed._

_"Roll, and action!"_

"I have a task for you, Kodachi. I need you to run to the dojo, where you'll find my sister Akane talking with Mister Saotome and Doctor Tofu. Please tell her that you overheard Nabiki and myself talking about her. Oh, and tell her that if she stands by that corner, there, she can hear everything that happens in the garden without being seen."

The other girl nodded. "Kodachi will do this." She turned and ran off.

Kasumi giggled. "This shall be a nice joke, don't you think, Nabiki? When she arrives, I'll mention Ranma, and you have to praise him to the stars. Do you think you can manage that?"

"I'll try real hard." She craned her neck. "Yep, and here she comes now, sis." She winced. _"Cut."_

_The scriptwriter, still groggy from his thrashing, shook his head. "What's the problem?"_

_Nabiki scowled. "I goofed. Kasumi and I aren't sisters in this film." She considered. "I'll just jump back in on my line. We can edit around it later. Ready, sis?"_

_"When you are."_

"I'll try real hard." She craned her neck. "Yep, and here she comes now, Kasumi."

Kasumi's voice dropped somewhat. "We'll have to move a little closer, so she doesn't miss anything." She turned towards the house, raising her voice as she did. "No, I think it would be better if we don't tell her. She is stubborn, hotheaded and proud...she would merely use it to torment him."

Nabiki grinned. "But are you sure that Ranma loves your sister?"

There was a muffled thump from around the corner. Kasumi pictured it as Akane's jaw hitting the floor, and stifled a giggle. "His father told me, and so did my fiancee."

"And you really don't plan to tell her?"

"Well, Mister Saotome said that I should, but I will not. And I told them that they should not, either."

"Why not? He seems a nice enough guy, and he's good-looking to boot. Lots of muscles."

"No. I know my sister well. She has no use whatsoever for men. Probably because they are all so weak, compared to her. Even my dear Ono could not defeat her."

"But Ranma's a strong man. And he's handsome, and even-tempered, and quite noble. His father told me once that Ranma would die before breaking his word."

"True. If I wasn't already engaged..." She grinned impishly. "But knowing Akane, she'd just turn it all around. Strong? She'd say, like a gorilla. Handsome? She'd say he looks like a girl. Noble?" She sighed. "She'd just call him simple."

"You're pretty harsh on her."

"I do love my sister...but I know her, too."

"I still think you should tell her."

"No! I'll go to Ranma, instead, and tell him never to speak of it to her. I'll even tell him some lies about her, just to make sure!"

"Fine, I'll stop bugging you about it. Sheesh." Nabiki considered. "When are you gonna hold the wedding?"

"Tomorrow, in fact! Come on, I'll show you the dress!" The two hurried away, into the house.

Akane stepped around the corner, her mouth hanging open.

"My ears are burning." She shook her head. "What kind of line is that?"

_"Cut!" Nabiki re-entered the set from the house. "And it was going so well, too."_

_"Sorry, but still...'My ears are burning?' Does someone set fire to my hair in this scene?" She turned on the scriptwriter. "What the heck does that mean, anyway?"_

_The writer threw his hands in the air. "It's just an expression. When you hear someone talking about you, y'know?"_

_"No, I don't know." She scowled at him. "Maybe when someone talks about you in America, your hair catches fire, but here in Japan, people sneeze."_

_"Canada."_

_"Huh?"_

_"I'm Canadian. Not American." The writer scowled._

_"What's the difference?"_

_"Americans can't hold their beer." The writer glanced down at his notebook. "And I know about the sneezing thing. But there wasn't really a way I could see to work it into the story."_

_"Oh?" Akane grabbed the notebook and flipped through it. "Where the heck is the script?" She tossed the notebook back at him and grabbed a script. "The rest of this is pretty lame, too. Where'd you get your writing skills? Out of a box of rice crackers?"_

_He threw up his hands. "Look, I'm doin' my best, okay? I had problems with this scene. It doesn't help that my Japanese isn't that great either."_

_Akane grinned. "Trust me to ad-lib?"_

_"Why not? It's Nabiki's film."_

_"Fine. From my entrance." She turned and left._

_The scriptwriter glanced up at the director. "You cool with this, Nabs?"_

_"Sure, I trust her. And don't call me Nabs. Action!"_

Akane stepped around the corner, rubbing her nose.

"I can't believe that. I can't! My own sister, calling me stubborn? Hotheaded? Said she'd lie about me!" She threw up her hands. "And to protect...Ranma? Ranma, in love with...me? I don't believe it! He'd never love any woman, he said so!"

She considered. "But...it was Kasumi who said it. Kasumi's never told a lie in her life, as far as I know.

"Maybe...he does love me.

"And I'm just driving him away..." She shook her head. "Maybe Kasumi was right. Maybe I am too proud." She sighed. "I'll give him a chance. Maybe he's a nice guy, and just reacting to my being nasty to him." She looked up. "All right, Ranma. You've got that chance. But you'd better live up to even better than Kasumi said you were!"

_"Cut and print." Nabiki turned to the scriptwriter. "See? I told you we could trust her."_

_"Well, yeah. It's a little more...melodramatic...than what I intended, but what the hey? It works." He considered. "Hey, Nabs. Would you like to head down to the Nekohanten with me after we wrap up? Grab a bite to eat?"_

_She turned to face him. "How many times have I told you not to call me Nabs?"_

_"Ummm..." He flipped open his notebook and thumbed through the pages. "Looks like...counting today, it's seven."_

_Her eyes widened. "You've been counting?"_

_He shrugged. "I count everything."_

_"Well, then. Count on this. I will_ never _date anyone who insists on calling me Nabs." She turned and walked towards the gate._

_"Hey, we're not finished wrap-up yet. Where are you going?"_

_"Nekohanten." She scowled. "You can finish the wrap-up. I have to pay Shampoo."_

_"How much?"_

_"Eight grand."_

_/fR"Eight?!"/fI_

_"I am not happy with you costing this project a total of twenty-four thousand yen. Three shootings, three days, eight grand a day. Plus,_ you _get to figure out what part we're gonna give Cologne." She turned back towards him. "You are proving to be more of a liability to this effort than an asset. I am really not happy with you. And now you have the balls to..." She threw up her hands, turned, and stormed off._

_The scriptwriter watched her leave, then flipped open his notebook. He jotted something down, then snapped the notebook closed._

_And smiled._

* * *


	6. Act Three, Scenes Two through Five

* * *

*** Disclaimer ***

Takahashi Rumiko created Ranma 1/2 and all of the characters and situations found therein. I have no rights to them whatsoever, and hope that she and anyone to whom they have been properly licenced do not sue me.

William Shakespeare has been credited with the creation of Much Ado About Nothing, but regardless of whoever actually wrote it, I don't think I'm in danger of being sued for misusing it. My apologies nonetheless to the Bard.

_"I think the beating I gave him impressed him." Nabiki chuckled. "He hasn't called me Nabs at all today."_

_Akane smirked. "He got only what he deserved. He's a pervert."_

_"No." Nabiki shook her head. "He asked me out, that's all. Well, he does spend entirely too much time staring at my boobs, too. But other than that, he's not that bad."_

_Akane shook her head in disgust. "I'm not letting him within ten feet of me."_

_"Fine. I don't really care. As long as you don't interfere with the shoot. It's gonna be a long one today. Four scenes, and I'd really enjoy getting them all in one take each."_

_Akane giggled. "You expect too much."_

_The scriptwriter stuck his head through the door. "The cameras are all set up for Scenes Two and Three, Nab-iki."_

_Nabiki smirked as the screenwriter caught himself just in time. "All right, fine, Baka-san." She stood up and stretched. "Who've we got cast for Scene Three?"_

_"Ryouga, Tsubasa, Hiroshi and Daisuke." He flipped open his notebook. "Plus..." He flipped a few more pages. "Uh, oh."_

_Nabiki threw up her hands. "Can't you do anything right?"_

_"I knew we forgot someone else. We got two unnamed parts. Watchman One and Watchman Two. I didn't think they had any lines, so I forgot about them."_

_"I don't need excuses, I need solutions." She forced herself to calm down, and considered. "We could call in a couple of people who owe me favours."_

_"What about what we did with Ranma? Pick a couple of girls and dress them up as guys?"_

_"I don't want to rely too much on that. Already we've got Ukyo in Act Four." She shook her head. "And there's nobody good enough that owes me any favours. We're actually gonna have to pay for more actors."_

_"Ouch. How much is left in your budget?"_

_She flipped open her own notebook and checked the figures inside. "Well, after that debacle with Kodachi and Shampoo...plus the cost of new tapes...There's 34,900 yen left in the budget." She flipped further through the notebook. "Assuming we hire two more yokels at the same price as Shampoo, for two days each...plus have no more than one more major calamity...that'll bring the final balance to about five hundred yen. Still within budget." She glanced up. "Get on the phone to Nekohanten. See if you can get Mousse. Akane, see if you can get ahold of someone from the drama club that's willing to work cheap. I'll grab us some extra time, shoot Scene Five now."_

_"Right."_

_"No worries, Nabiki."_

_"And don't worry too much. We'll handle this no problem."_

_* * * * *_

_"All right, I need Misters Saotome and Tendo, Ranma, and Doctor Tofu on set." The scriptwriter pointed towards the center of the dojo, then crossed over to one of the two video cameras. He glanced through the monocle, adjusted the focus, then flipped it onto remote._

_Nabiki stepped in, then slipped off to the side, out of either camera's arc. She leaned back into the shadows, and grinned._

_"Has anyone seen Kuno?"_

_"Yeah." Ranma spoke up. "He showed up a little earlier, and wandered around muttering about his evil diabolical plan." Ranma rolled his eyes. "He should be here any minute now."_

_"For once, the accursed one speaks truth." The samurai wannabe strode imperiously into the room. "For it is true that I am here."_

_"'And true 'tis pity, and pity 'tis, 'tis true,'" the screenwriter muttered._

_"I beg your pardon?"_

_"Out of arc, Kuno. We're about to start the shoot."_

_"You will address me as upperclassman."_

_The scriptwriter turned towards him, and held up an envelope. "You know what this is?"_

_Kuno swallowed, and stepped out of arc._

_"Perfect." He clicked a remote. "Cameras rolling, and...action!"_

Tail Kinker Presents

In Association with TN Enterprises

Much Ado About Ranma

"Unfortunately, I will have to leave soon." Genma folded the letter and placed it back in its envelope. "My wife grows insistent. But I will write to her, and make sure she knows I'm staying until the wedding." He smiled. "She is quite a romantic...she will not mind that much more delay."

"I could go with you," offered the Doctor.

"No! Heavens no. Take you away from your wife, a day after you marry her? What do you take me for?" He chuckled. "Besides, Nodoka would skin me alive if I let it happen. No, don't worry about me, my boy. My son shall go with me. He's plenty company enough."

"Yeah, whatever." Ranma crossed his arms and stared down at the ground.

Soun chuckled. "You've been rather grumpy the last day or so, boy."

Tofu poked his younger friend in the ribs. "You're in love aren't you?"

"Toothache," muttered Ranma.

"Really?" The Doctor grinned. "I should deal with that."

"Yes," said Soun. "Pull a tooth, or whatever it is that hurts."

Genma grinned. "A man with a toothache doesn't normally go to see a barber, but that's where you were yesterday."

Soun nodded. "And it's obvious that you've recently taken up shaving. The razor-burn is quite distinctive."

"Is that cologne I smell?"

"Note the downcast expression."

"Yes, the boy is definitely in love."

Ranma threw up his hands. "Enough already. Tendo-san, may I speak with you? Alone? Away from these two vultures?"

"Of course, my boy." The two turned and walked out of the room.

Genma watched them go. "Gone to ask about Akane, no doubt."

"But that vile fiend must not have her!" Kuno strode into the middle of the room. "For I, the Blue Thunder--"

_"Cut. Kuno, get off the stage."_

_"--have decreed that this contemptible plot to force a marriage between--"_

_"Kuno!"_

_"--Tendo Akane and that foul demon, Saotome Ranma, must never--"_

_"KUNO!!"_

_Kuno paused, mid-rant._

_"Get the hell off the stage!"_

_"But--"_

_"Yes, I know you have an entrance here. But that was most certainly not your line."_

_"My lines are nothing more than complete and total truth, as though spoken by Amaterasu herself."_

_The scriptwriter reached into a pocket, and extracted a rather battered Zippo lighter. He flipped it open, ignited it, and held the envelope over the flame. "You were saying?"_

_"...I shall recite your lines."_

_"Very good." He snapped the lighter shut, and pocketed it. "Get off the stage. From Genma's line, please. Action."_

Genma watched them go. "Gone to ask about Akane, no doubt."

Tofu nodded. "Kasumi told me that she'd sprung the trap on Akane, as well."

Kuno strode into the middle of the room. "My good lord, Saotome-san!"

"Ah, good morning, Tatewaki."

"If your leisure serves, I would speak with thee."

Genma tilted his head. "In private?"

"If it pleases you, my lord. Though Count Claudio may also..." He paused.

_"Cut." The scriptwriter sighed._

_"I find myself compelled to admit that this time, the error was mine. I have been reading the original play."_

_"Okay, Kuno, no worries. We'll take it from Saotome's line." The scriptwriter grabbed a tripod, moved it about six feet, and checked the focus. Satisfied, he stepped back, and clicked his remote. "Action!"_

Genma tilted his head. "In private?"

"If it pleases you, my lord. Though the good Doctor may also hear, as it concerns him."

Tofu stepped forward. "What's wrong?"

"You mean to be married tomorrow?"

"Yes, but you knew that."

"I doubt it, when you hear my news."

Genma scowled. "If there's some problem..."

"My friends, you may have had cause to think that I care not at all for you. But mark this--I come here in goodness of heart to help you in your coming marriage."

"Get to it," grumbled Tofu.

"I have come here to tell you that the lady is disloyal."

Tofu paled.

Kuno continued heedless. "But truly, 'disloyal' is so mild a word. Think of a harsher one, and it will probably apply. But do not take my word for it; come with me tonight, and you shall have your proof."

Tofu staggered back a step. "Can this be true?"

"No!" Genma snapped a hand down in a dismissing gesture. "I refuse to believe it. A woman like that, so like my own wife--"

"If you would come with me, you will see the proof," continued Kuno. "Once you have done so, you may act accordingly."

_"Cut and print." The scriptwriter tapped his remote. "Good, very good. Well the hell done, guys. Only three takes." He flipped open his notebook and consulted. "Okay, guys. I'm done with all three of you for the rest of the day. Grab some munchies and enjoy the rest of your day off." He snapped the notebook shut._

_Nabiki walked in, videocassette in hand. "Scene Five is shot."_

_"Any news on our wayward watchmen?"_

_"Akane's managed to get ahold of a couple of newbies, willing to do the shot just for the fun of it. But they're gonna suck."_

_"No Mousse?"_

_Nabiki grinned. "Hey, this way I can save eight thou."_

* * * * *

Ryouga Hibiki inspected the three watchmen detailed to guard the Tendo compound that evening. "You are all three good men?"

"Yes, boss!"

Ryouga glanced over at Tsubasa. "You speak for them?"

He shrugged. "Someone has to. Give us our orders, sir."

"Who should be chief of the guard tonight?"

One of the watchmen spoke up. "Ichiro should be chief of the guard, boss. He's easily smarter than me."

Ryouga's mouth twitched as he suppressed a grin. "Obviously." He stepped up to Ichiro. "Here are your orders: Challenge any who approach the compound. Apprehend any who do not answer your challenge."

"Anyone?"

Ryouga sighed. "Yes, anyone."

"Even Tendo-san?"

"Yes, even Tendo-san."

Ichiro frowned in thought. "But he lives here."

"Yes, but even he must be challenged. Trust me, if you do not, he'll rip a stripe out of your hide."

"Won't he be insulted?"

Ryouga groaned. "Why would he be insulted that you are doing your duty? Why would he be insulted that you're trying to protect him?"

"Well, I mean..." Ichiro shrugged. "What if he's in a rush to get to the bathroom?"

Ryouga closed his eyes in pain.

"Or maybe he'd just be out for some exercise. Or maybe he's found someone inside the compound who shouldn't be there. I mean, if someone got past us, which they wouldn't. But maybe."

"Ichiro, turn around."

"...sir?"

"Turn around. Now."

Ichiro turned, and Ryouga delivered a sharp kick to his backside. He then promptly turned to the other watchman.

"Jiro, you're first of the watch tonight. Ichiro, you're an idiot. Tsubasa, let's get out of here before I have to kill them both."

The two senior guards entered the building, leaving Ichiro and Jiro to guard the compound. The two promptly took their places on either side of the door, Ichiro still rubbing his bruised posterior.

"Hey, Dai!"

Hiroshi stepped through the gates of the compound, and looked around. Jiro noticed him, and turned to challenge him, but Ichiro waved him back.

Hiroshi raised his hands to his mouth. "Daisuke!"

"Shut up, already. I'm right here." Daisuke pushed the other's hands down. "What do you want?"

Hiroshi pulled a wad of bills out of his pocket and riffled them. "I'm flush, man, on Kuno's cash. Fifty thou, man!"

"And I see you've already spent a good chunk of it on booze."

"Hey, I've only had two or six. Look, let's head back to the bar. I'll buy you a drink."

"What did you have to do for the cash? Something vile, knowing Kuno."

"Aw, it wasn't that vile. All I had to do was seduce a girl."

"What girl?"

"Kasumi's serving-girl. Pretty little girl named Kodachi. She looks something like Kasumi, and when she's dressed up just like her, there's no telling the two apart. At least, not in the dark." He chuckled. "Got it on with her, right at Kasumi's window, with Tofu and Kuno and Saotome-san watching below."

"You actually--"

"Well, no. I got my hand down her top, is all. But you shoulda seen that Tofu light out of there like he'd sat on a bee."

Jiro jumped forward. "You're under arrest!"

"Huh?"

Ichiro stepped up. "I've called for Ryouga. Looks like we've discovered the scam of the year, here."

_"Cut. Very nice, boys. We may save this sucker yet." The scriptwriter chuckled. "I'll need you two tomorrow as well, but you're done for the rest of the day. Thanks for taking this on on such short notice."_

* * * * *

"Nabiki, will you please go wake up Akane?"

"No problem." Nabiki hopped to her feet and reached for the door.

"Oh, and please ask her to come here?"

"Okay." She opened the door and stepped out of the room.

Kodachi was digging through the chest of clothing. "Shampoo think this one better."

_"Cut!" Nabiki shook her head. "Shampoo!"_

_"Shampoo goof." She hung her head. "Not like being called Kodachi."_

_"Please, just put up with it. Console yourself with the fact that Kodachi couldn't keep this role. And could you possibly use a pronoun or two?"_

_"Is okay."_

_"Fine, Let's start the whole scene over." She walked over, sat down on her chair, and thumbed her remove. "Action!"_

"Nabiki, will you please go wake up Akane?"

"No problem." Nabiki hopped to her feet and reached for the door.

"Oh, and please ask her to come here?"

"Okay." She opened the door and stepped out of the room.

Kodachi was digging through the chest of clothing. "I think this one better."

"No, I'll be wearing this one today." She indicated the kimono hanging on her closet door. At the moment, she was wearing a bathrobe, but her hair had been carefully braided.

"You sure? I think this one look very good." She held up the sky-blue kimono. "Is tradition, yes? And is very nice, has patterns here and here, has beads."

"Traditional? Yes, but not for weddings. Besides..." She indicated the kimono on the door again. "Mother wore this one when she was married."

"Kasumi?" Akane poked her head through the door. "You wanted to see me?"

"Yes. It's nearly noon, and when I went by your door, you were not yet awake. Are you sick?"

"Yes. Sick. That's it." She made a production of coughing. "Quite badly so."

Kodachi piped up. "You have cold? Or flu? Or maybe lovesick?"

Akane scowled. "Sick and tired."

Kasumi ignored the banter. "Uncle Saotome gave me these gloves to wear. They must have been his wife's; They're far too small for him, and I can smell perfume on them." She held them up to Akane.

Akane stepped back. "I couldn't smell them right now, Kasumi. All stuffed up."

"Stuffed up?" Kodachi giggled. "And lovesick?"

Akane cracked her knuckles. Kodachi stopped giggling. Akane turned back to her sister. "Well, I hope I'm feeling better soon, since the wedding is to be held in just a couple of hours."

Kodachi piped up one more time. "We find you wild horse to ride at wedding!"

"Oh, that's more than enough." Akane took a step towards Kodachi, fist balled.

Nabiki stepped back into the room. "Kasumi, time to get dressed. Then we gotta do your makeup." She glanced over to Akane. "You, go downstairs and talk to the priest."

_She touched her remote. "And print. Thanks, guys."_

_"Good. Now I can get dressed properly."_

_The scriptwriter stuck his head in the bedroom. "Nabiki, we got time for me to get a look at--" His voice trailed off as he saw Kasumi in the process of undoing her bathrobe._

_She glanced up. "Oh, hello!"_

_"Sorry, I'll--" He started to pull back into the hall._

_Kasumi followed him, her robe held shut by one hand only. "Did you get that rice I left out for you?"_

_He studied the wall intently. "Yep."_

_"It's not very polite to pay so little attention to a person who is speaking to you."_

_"Sorry." He turned to look at her again, his gaze wandering down slightly, then snapping up to her eyes._

_"Oh, is that what's concerning you?" She opened her robe and let it fall to the ground._

_"Eep!"_

_"What's wrong?" She adjusted her t-shirt. "I admit, I don't normally wear shorts, but it was needed for this scene."_

_"...Nothing. Never mind." He turned away, muttering something under his breath._

_Kasumi turned to face her sister. "What did he say? I'm afraid my English is a bit rusty."_

_"Something about needing brainwashing, and a dirty mind...Kasumi, how is it you can keep a perfectly straight face while doing something evil?"_

_* * * * *_

_Nabiki pushed the videocassette into the VCR. "Scene Five was really short. You sure you need to see it?"_

_"I'm sure."_

_She pressed play on the remote._

"Excuse me, sir."

Soun turned to face the chief of his guard. "Yes, Ryouga?"

"Two of my men captured some troublemakers last night. They were up to some evil or other."

"Really?" Soun frowned. "And you waited until now to tell me?"

"Well...I had some difficulty finding you."

"It's four o'clock, man!"

"Well..." He rubbed the back of his head. "We'd rather like it if you could talk to these two. Seems it's something of some importance to you."

"I don't have time!" He threw up his hands. "My daughter's due to be married in an hour, and there is still a lot of work to be done!"

"But, sir! It's important!"

He sighed. "What did they say?"

"Well...I don't know."

"WHAT!?!"

Ryouga raised his hands. "Hey! The guys that caught them said it was important! I came immediately to find you!"

"You should have stayed there and sent...well, anyone else!" He sighed. "Go back. Interrogate the two. Give me a written report. Got it?"

"Yes, sir."

He levelled a finger at him. "And you'd better be able to find your way back."

_Nabiki hit the stop button._

_The scriptwriter chewed his lip. "That wasn't exactly what I wrote."_

_"Ryouga has a chronic navigational impairment. We used a couple of jokes based on that. The audience will appreciate them."_

_"Take your word for it." He yawned. "I gotta crash."_

_"Be here bright and early tomorrow, so we can do the post-processing on this."_

_"No problem."_

_Nabiki watched as he left, then flipped the TV over to a channel unused by the local stations. The miniature camera she'd purchased transmitted on this channel, and hopefully its transmitter was too low-powered to be easily detectable by local telecommunications authority._

_Luckily, she'd managed to figure out the scriptwriter's usual route home, and had set the camera up along it. She could follow him with the camera for almost five minutes before losing him._

_She was dead certain he was up to something, but for the life of her couldn't figure out what it might be._

_* * * * *_

* * *


	7. Act Four, Scene One

* * *

*** Disclaimer ***

Takahashi Rumiko created Ranma 1/2 and all of the characters and situations found therein. I have no rights to them whatsoever, and hope that she and anyone to whom they have been properly licenced do not sue me.

William Shakespeare has been credited with the creation of Much Ado About Nothing, but regardless of whoever actually wrote it, I don't think I'm in danger of being sued for misusing it. My apologies nonetheless to the Bard.

_"Okay, gang, places. Quickly!" Nabiki was waving her copy of the script in the air. "This is a really big scene, and I want to do it in as few takes as possible. If we have time, I also want to squeeze in Scene Two."_

_The scriptwriter smirked. "A whole Act in one day? Boy, you're ambitious."_

_"Aren't I, though?" She grinned. "If we can pull it off, it means I shave three grand off the production cost. And that'll put me well under budget."_

_"Nabiki's always concerned with the budget," said Ranma. "To the exclusion of all else."_

_"Shut up, you. Where the hell's Ukyo?"_

_"She's in costuming," replied the scriptwriter. "Problems with her breast bindings. I offered to help her with them, and she offered to loosen some teeth."_

_"And rightly so," muttered Akane._

_"Okay, cram the editorials. And someone go light a fire under Ukyo."_

_"What's the rush, Nabs? We can't start without her."_

_"Exactly the problem. And don't call me that."_

_"I'm here." Ukyo rushed into the dojo, moving as quickly as she could in her Shinto robe. Her hair was bound into as masculine a style as was possible without using scissors. "Where do I stand?"_

_"Right over there. Dad, you stand there. Ranma, you're here. Kuno, over here."_

_"I shall not stand next to that vile demon, that enemy of--"_

_"You will, or you forfeit your payment. Genma, you stand here. Now over here, I need Akane and Shampoo. Leave a space for me. That's it." She glanced around the room. "Good. Now Kasumi and Tofu. Here, please." She eyed the nervously sweating doctor. "You gonna be okay in this scene, Doc?"_

_He nodded. "I am, Nabiki. All set. No problems. Green lights."_

_"Right." She nodded at Shampoo. "All right, everyone. Scripts down. Roll cameras."_

_The scriptwriter tapped his remote. "Cameras rolling."_

_"Action!"_

Tail Kinker Presents

In Association with TN Enterprises

Much Ado About Ranma

"Let's make it brief, Ukyo. Only the barest minimum needed." Tendo glanced meaningfully at Tofu. "I don't know how much this boy can take."

"Understood, Tendo." He addressed the couple. "You come here to marry this lady?"

Tofu's eyes glazed over. "Yes!" He grabbed Kasumi's hands, and started dancing giddily.

_"Cut!"_

_Tofu continued dancing. Nabiki sighed, and turned to Shampoo. "Do it."_

_Shampoo nodded, stepped forward, and grabbed the Doctor's jacket. She quickly pinned a small broach to his lapel. Instantly, Tofu's expression changed. He dropped Kasumi's hands and stepped back, an expression of loathing on his face._

_"Doc, remember your lines! From Ukyo's line. Action!"_

"Understood, Tendo." He addressed the couple. "You come here to marry this lady?"

"No."

Tendo chuckled. "Marrying her is your job, Ukyo. He is here to be married."

"Lady, do you come to be married to this man?"

Kasumi nodded. "I do."

"If there are any present who have reason to prevent this marriage, let them speak now."

Tofu glanced over at Kasumi. "Do you know any such, Kasumi?"

She shook her head. "No."

Ukyo addressed Tofu. "Do you, Doctor?"

Tendo butted in. "Let me answer for him: No! Get on with it."

"Excuse me, Tendo. I can answer for myself." He turned to face the Tendo patriarch. "You've given me this girl freely?"

Tendo blinked. "Well...yes."

"And I may do with her as I please?"

Tendo scowled.

Tofu grabbed Kasumi's arm and pushed her towards her father. "Then take her back! I want no such corrupted filth!"

The gathered witnesses exploded into a babble of voices. Tofu spoke clearly above them all. "Oh, the shock on her face! One would think she was as pure as the driven snow. Cunning, isn't she? But it's not shock of surprise, but of discovery!"

"What the hell are you saying?" Tendo balled his fists.

"I refuse to marry the slut!"

"Quiet, all of you!" Tendo waved an arm at the crowd; the other supported his sobbing daughter. "Now, you had better explain yourself, Tofu."

"No, Tendo. You'd doubt my word." He turned to Genma. "Saotome, please tell your friend what we saw last night."

Genma sighed. "Oh, the tragedy! That I thought to link my good friend Tofu with such a common tart!"

Tendo gaped. "Saotome!"

Ranma shook his head. "Doesn't look like much of a wedding."

"Tendo, I'm sorry you have to hear this. Upon my honour, as a Martial Artist, I saw this girl, your daughter Kasumi, on her balcony with a young man."

"Are you certain it was her?"

"Yes, Tendo. She was half-wearing the same dress she'd worn that day."

"Half!"

"Only half, yes." Kuno now spoke up. "It is true that she was in intimate contact with a young man. I was there as well, my lord. I shall not revile this holy place with descriptions of the scene that unfolded before us, and indeed we left before the lady's actions proceeded much beyond."

"If only she was as faithful as she is lovely!" Tofu shook his head in dismay.

Kasumi sobbed, and crumpled to the ground. Akane ran over and cradled her head. "Kasumi!"

"It is clear that the discovery of these events has smothered her spririts." Kuno turned and started for the door. "Let us depart." Tofu and Saotome fell in behind him.

_"Cut! Ranma, Shampoo. Grab the doc!"_

_They did so, and Shampoo flipped the broach over. Again, Tofu's face changed, and he turned and ran for Kasumi._

_He knelt by her. "Kasumi, I'm sorry I said all those horrible things. I don't know what--"_

_"It's okay." She smiled up at him, and quickly wiped away the tears. "I'm only crying because I rubbed onion juice under my eyes."_

_"...Onion?"_

_"They warned me that they might have to do this to you. I'm sorry I didn't tell you."_

_"I...I understand." He stood, and turned to Nabiki. "We can resume any time you like, Nabiki."_

_Ranma nudged Akane. "You notice anything funny about the way the Doc's actin'?"_

_"No. Why?"_

_"Exactly. How come he ain't flippin' out?"_

_Akane frowned. "I don't know."_

_"Shut up, back there. On with the scene." Nabiki flipped through her folder. "Doc's left the scene, and we'll continue from there. Places!"_

_"We're all in place, Nabiki."_

_"I said can it! All right, Doc, Kuno, Mr. Saotome? You can leave. We'll take it from Ranma's line. Action!"_

"Is she okay, Akane?"

"I don't know, Ranma. I think she..." Akane bit her lip. "She might have died from the shock."

"Just as well."

Akane glanced up at her father. "Dad! How can you say such a thing?"

"With the sort of shame she's brought to our household--"

"You can't honestly believe that sort of thing!" Kasumi stirred, and Akane turned back to her sister. "Oh, thank all that's holy! Ranma, help me make her comfortable."

Ukyo stepped over to Soun. "You should be glad she'll be okay."

"Glad? Why?" Soun turned to the Priest. "Doesn't every thing around us cry out her shame? Can she deny even a single thing that Kuno and Saotome said? It stuns me that she hid this thing, right under my very nose!"

"Hey, Tendo, calm down!" Ranma stood up from beside Kasumi. "I mean, yeah, this is a hell of a surprise--"

"It's all a lie!" Akane shook her head.

Ranma turned to the younger Tendo. "Were you in her room last night?"

"No." Akane shook her head. "I've slept in her room many times in the past, but not last night."

"A lie? Why would Saotome lie? Why would Kuno lie?" Soun shook his head. "For that matter, why would Tofu lie? He had the least reason to do so."

"All right, I have an idea." Ukyo adjusted his robes. "Now if I could only remember what it was."

_"Cut."_

_"Sorry, Nabiki." Ukyo pulled a script out of the voluminous robes and started flipping through it._

_"I'd like to take the lost time out of your pay, but..."_

_"But I'm doing this for free." She smirked. "Can't have it both ways, can you?"_

_"Shut up."_

_"I'm ready." She stowed the script back into her robes. "Sorry 'bout this."_

_"Okay. Fom Ukyo's line. Action!"_

"All right, I have an idea." Ukyo adjusted his robes. "Personally, I think she's innocent of what she's accused of. She was far too surprised, far too shocked, for it to be true. I've spent a lot of time learning to read people; it's a part of my job." He jerked a thumb at himself. "Call me a fool if you like, but I'm certain she's innocent." He turned to Kasumi. "Who was the man they accuse you of?"

"Ask them." Kasumi's tone was bitter. "They know; I don't."

Ranma frowned. "I'm certain that my Pop was telling the truth. I've learned when to tell he's lying. Kuno, on the other hand..." He frowned. "I've known him to do some vile stuff in the past. If it's a lie, then he's behind it."

"Well, here's my idea." Ukyo grinned. "As they left, the last thing they must have heard was Akane stating that Kasumi might be dead. Let them believe this."

"Oh?"

"Trust me. Once they hear she's dead, they'll start to regret what they've said. If they've lied, they'll be filled with remorse. If they've told the truth...well, we'll work on that. Find the cracks in the story, and figure out what the truth really is. Then once we've exposed the lies...well, those that were misled by them will change their tunes."

Soun frowned. "And what if it's all truth?"

"I doubt very much that it is."

Ranma dropped a hand on Soun's shoulder. "Tendo, let's do what Ukyo suggests, okay? I mean, Tofu's one of my best friends, but what he did here was kinda over the top, y'know?"

Soun nodded. "All right. We'll give your idea a shot." He gathered his daughter in his arms. "Let's go back to the house, and I'll take Kasumi to her room. Ukyo, you come with me; it'll be more convincing with a priest in tow."

_"Cut. Okay, let's move the cameras to the garden. We're a bit ahead of schedule here. Let's keep it this way."_

_"Uh...Nabiki?" The scriptwriter waved the printout at her. "This is all one scene."_

_"I'm changing it."_

_"But--"_

_"Shut up. I'm the director."_

_"But--"_

* * * * *

"You okay, Akane?"

"Yeah...I guess." She wiped her eyes, but didn't look at him; her eyes remained fixed on the koi pond.

"Look, I know that was kinda harsh. I want you to know that I think Kasumi's tellin' the truth." He stepped up to sit down next to her, slipped, and fell into the pond.

_"Cut!"_

_Ranma surfaced, and spat out water. "Why does this always happen to me? Any time I come near this friggin' pond, I end up takin' a bath!" She pulled a fish out of the top of her shirt and dropped it back into the pond, a look of disgust on her face. "Akane, stop gigglin'."_

_"Sorry." She snickered._

_"Don't worry, we've got a kettle available for just such an occasion. And dry clothes." Nabiki sighed. "It was going too well to be true. Let's take five, then try again."_

_* * * * *_

_"You okay, Akane?"_

_"Yeah...I guess." She wiped her eyes, but didn't look at him; her eyes remained fixed on the koi pond._

_"Look, I know that was kinda harsh. I want you to know that I think Kasumi's tellin' the truth." He sat down next to her. "I wish I could prove it...but it's just a gut feeling."_

_"You could prove it." She glanced up at him. "There is a way, but..."_

_"But?"_

_"But I don't think you'd do it." She looked back down at the pond._

_"I--" He hesitated. "Akane, believe it or not, I care about you." He folded his hands in his lap. "Strange, isn't it?"_

_"Strange? Is it really?" She turned towards him and grabbed his hands. "You know that Tofu's lying, right?"_

_"Well, I don't know about lyin'. I think he's been lied to, somehow."_

_"Ranma..." She looked down at their hands. "Right after the wedding, I was going to tell you I loved you."_

_"You--" His eyes widened. "You do?"_

_She smiled. "If you can admit it, so can I."_

_"I didn't admit nothin'!"_

_"Cut!" She sighed. "Ranma, please restrain from such knee-jerk reactions."_

_"Sorry, Nabiki."_

_"Okay, from Akane's line. Action."_

She smiled. "If you can admit it, so can I."

I didn't--" He paused. "Well, I didn't, but I will. I'd do anything for you."

"Then challenge Tofu."

He shook his head. "I can't."

"Anything for me, eh?" She stood up, anger etched in her face.

"Wait!"

"Why?"

"Akane--"

"Sorry, I'm already gone." And she was turning to leave. Ranma hopped to his feet.

"Why do you want me to challenge Tofu? What did he do to you?"

"You need to ask?" She whirled, eyes blazing. "He's slandered my sister! Said the most vile things about her, right there before our family's shrine! I'd challenge him myself, but..." She sighed. "But I'm not good enough to beat him."

"Akane--"

"He called her a slut! And your father, who claims to be a great Martial Artist and defender of Truth, backed him up! I'm not good enough to beat him." She turned away from him, and a slight smile creased her lips. "If only there was someone good enough to challenge Tofu, and defeat him!"

"Akane." He grabbed her shoulder and spun her around. "Look, you know I believe that your sister's innocent, right? Even if she's guilty, I think that Tofu went too far."

"Prove it."

He hesitated a long moment, then nodded. "All right. I will challenge Tofu."

_"Cut and print!" Nabiki chuckled. "Oh, we're doing well here."_

_"Uh, Nabiki?"_

_"What?"_

_"This digital video camera of yours? It's flashing some message at me."_

_"What message?"_

_"I don't know. I can't read any kanji."_

_Nabiki stormed over to the camera. "Out of memory...Oh, great. Just bloody great." She dropped her head into her hands. "If it's not one thing, it's another."_

_"How much is missing?"_

_"Well, we got the entire scene on the camcorder, but I really wanted at least a few shots from this angle..." She fiddled with the camera. "Why is there only a 64-meg card in this thing? We've lost almost the entire scene here. We'll have to re-shoot it. Go get me another memory card, a 256-meg this time."_

_Akane threw up her hands. "With the out-takes in this scene, and you think we're gonna get it right the second time through?"_

_"Not really." Nabiki chuckled. "Don't worry...it just gives us another opportunity to move cameras."_

_With the new memory card installed, and the analogue camera repositioned, Akane and Ranma took their starting positions again. Nabiki considered, then tapped the script. "Let's start from the top of page twenty-nine. We don't need to get a lot of this scene re-filmed. It's the last half I want from this angle. Okay?"_

_"We're set."_

_"Good. Camera, and...Action!"_

"Ranma..." She looked down at their hands. "Right after the wedding, I was going to tell you I loved you."

"You--" His eyes widened. "You do?"

She smiled. "If you can admit it, so can I."

"I didn't--" He paused. "Well, I didn't, but I will. I'd do anything for you."

"Then challenge Tofu."

He shook his head. "I can't."

"Anything for me, eh?" She stood up, anger etched in her face.

"Wait!"

"Why?"

"Akane--"

"Sorry, I'm already gone." And she was turning to leave. Ranma hopped to his feet.

"Why do you want me to challenge Tofu? What did he do to you?"

"You need to ask?" She whirled, eyes blazing. "He's slandered my sister! Said the most vile things about her, right there before our family's shrine! I'd challenge him myself, but..." She sighed. "But I'm not good enough to beat him."

"Akane--"

"He called her a slut! And your father, who claims to be a great Martial Artist and defender of Truth, backed him up! I'm not good enough to beat him." She turned away from him, and a slight smile creased her lips. "If only there was someone good enough to challenge Tofu, and defeat him!"

"Akane." He grabbed her shoulder and spun her around. As she spun, she raised a fist, catching him across the face.

_"Cut!"_

_"Sorry, sis. Reflex action."_

_"Tomboy," grumbled Ranma._

_"You want another?"_

_"Can it, you two!"_

_"Sorry."_

_"Just..." She threw up her hands, exasperated. "Honestly! It's just amazing that you two haven't killed each other yet! Let's take it from Akane's line. Action!"_

"He called her a slut! And your father, who claims to be a great Martial Artist and defender of Truth, backed him up! I'm not good enough to beat him." She turned away from him, and a slight smile creased her lips. "If only there was someone good enough to challenge Tofu, and defeat him!"

"Akane." He grabbed her shoulder and spun her around. "Look, you know I believe that your sister's innocent, right? Even if she's guilty, I think that Tofu went too far."

"Prove it."

He hesitated a long moment, then nodded. "All right. I will challenge Tofu."

_"Cut." Nabiki glanced down at her watch. "So much for saving the extra time. We're gonna have to film Scene Two tomorrow." She sighed. "Three grand down the tubes."_

_"Sorry, Nabs. I think it was my fault this time."_

_"Yeah, funny, that." She shook the 64-meg memory card at him. "Why the hell would you load this card when you_ knew _we were doing two Scenes today?"_

_"I didn't know. And it was the first card I laid hands on."_

_"Three grand. Three freakin' grand! Do you know why this cost me three grand?"_

_"Uh...why?"_

_"Remember those two muttonheads I hired to play the watchmen? I had to pay them to show up, today, and I'll have to pay them again tomorrow!"_

_"I thought they were doing the shot for free."_

_"Yesterday, they were. Today...well, they found out it was actually work. I had to pay them fifteen hundred each just to get them to show up."_

_"Oh."_

_"Oh, he says!" She grabbed the digital camera. "I'd take it out of your pay, too, if I could. No, don't touch that camera! I'll do it myself!"_

_* * * * *_

* * *


	8. Act Four, Scene TwoAct Five, Scene One

** Disclaimer **

Takahashi Rumiko created Ranma 1/2 and all of the characters and situations found therein. I have no rights to them whatsoever, and hope that she and anyone to whom they have been properly licenced do not sue me.

William Shakespeare has been credited with the creation of Much Ado About Nothing, but regardless of whoever actually wrote it, I don't think I'm in danger of being sued for misusing it. My apologies nonetheless to the Bard.

_"Have you seen him at all today?"_

_Akane shook her head. "No, Sis. I assumed that after you told him we were taking today off--"_

_"Good." Nabiki sighed. "I'm really starting to think that hiring him for this was a bad choice."_

_"Who else would have done it?"_

_"Shut up, you."_

_"Besides, you didn't hire him. He's working for free."_

_"I said--" Nabiki sighed. "Well, I guess the old adage is true: You get what you pay for."_

_"Who's in this scene?"_

_"Hmmm..." Nabiki flipped through the casting call. "Ryouga and Mousse, Hiroshi and Daisuke, and..." She stopped, speechless. "I can't believe it!"_

_"What?"_

_"That idiot! What the hell is wrong with him?"_

_Akane leaned closer. "Who?"_

_"He's got Principal Kuno down for the Sexton!"_

_"Oh." Akane leaned back, and frowned. "That's not so good, is it?"_

_Nabiki shook her head. "There's no way I'm letting that freak near this set. Bad enough that we've got Happousai in this flick. If I let Kuno-sensei in, everyone will have shaved heads in an instant!"_

_"Excuse me."_

_Nabiki turned, to see Cologne standing next to her. The old woman's arms were crossed, and her face was creased in a smirk. Nabiki nodded, and slowly smiled._

_"Ah, Elder. I seem to recall that I owe you a favour."_

_"Indeed." Cologne's smirk widened. "And would this be a good time for me to call it in?"_

_"I don't see why not."_

_"Very well. I always wanted to be in a movie..."_

_Nabiki thrust the script into the old woman's hands. "Page 29, the part named 'Sexton'." She turned to face the assembled cast and crew. "One minute, everyone!"_

_"My costume is--"_

_"Get it fixed!" She grabbed a camera, wrestled it into place._

_"Camera's rolling, and...action!"_

* * *

**Tail Kinker Presents **

**In Association with TN Enterprises **

**Much Ado About Ranma**

* * *

Ryouga glanced around the dojo. "Is everyone here? We missing anyone?"

"No." Mousse grabbed a heavy bag and dragged it over. "Here's a stool for the sexton."

_"Cut." Nabiki sighed. "Mousse, that's not the stool."_

_"It's not?"_

_"No. The stool is over there." She pointed, and Mousse shuffled in the direction indicated. "Let's take it from the top." She sighed, and sat back down. "Rolling...and action."_

Ryouga glanced around the dojo. "Is everyone here? We missing anyone?"

"No." Mousse grabbed a stool and dragged it over. "Here's a stool for the Sexton."

"Thank you." Cologne climbed onto the stool, and glanced around. "And who are the malefactors?"

Ryouga shrugged. "Guess that'd be me and Mousse."

"Yeah." Mousse nodded. "We're the factors."

Cologne rolled her eyes. "I mean, who are the bad guys?"

"Oh." Ryouga collared Hiroshi and dragged him forwards. "This guy, and his partner in crime, over there. What's your name, punk?"

"Uhh...Hiroshi."

Ryouga turned back to Cologne. "Write him down as Hiroshi."

"Certainly." Cologne paused. "Do I have a notebook?"

_"Cut!" Nabiki sighed. "Sorry, Cologne." She dug out a notebook and pen, and passed them to the Amazon. "Okay, from Ryouga's line. Action!"_

Ryouga turned back to Cologne. "Write him down as Hiroshi."

"Certainly."

Ryouga turned to Daisuke. "And you, punk?"

Daisuke straightened. "I'll have you know I'm a gentleman, and my name is Daisuke."

"Fine. Write him down as Master Gentleman Daisuke." Ryouga sighed. "You might be a gentleman, but you are still a villain."

"I am not!"

"You claim to be an honourable man?"

"Yes!"

Ryouga turned back to the sexton. "Write down that he claims to be an honourable man."

The sexton cackled at that. "Ryouga, you're not going about this the right way. As usual. You got anyone who can tell me what really happened?"

"Yes." Ryouga turned to Ichiro. "Tell the sexton what you heard."

Ichiro shrugged. "Well, that Hiroshi fellow said a lot about Kuno being a twit."

"This is not news."

"Write it down anyway. Kuno is a twit."

"Certainly." The sexton turned to Ichiro. "What else did he say?"

"Well, he said that he'd gotten fifty thousand to pull a fast one on Tofu and Saotome."

"Oh, really?"

"Yeah. Apparently, he just had to appear in a...compromising position...with one of her servants. Tofu saw that, and thought it was Kasumi, and flipped out." Ichiro shrugged. "And I guess you've heard what happened at the wedding."

"Indeed, I have." The sexton sighed. "Anything else?"

"No. That's when me and Jiro jumped them."

"Well, since Kuno has fled, it will be difficult to get a confession from him." The sexton sighed again. "And poor Kasumi dead from grief..."

Ryouga cracked his knuckles. "Well, we still gotta decide on a punishment."

"From you?" Hiroshi sneered. "You're a pig, Ryouga. A common pig!"

"Oh?" Ryouga turned to the sextant. "Please write that I am a pig."

_"Cut!" Nabiki grinned. "Good work, everyone. Cologne, you're a natural, and I wish I'd had you since day one."_

_"Thank you, my dear."_

_"Okay, that wraps up Act Four – finally – so we might as well move right on to Act Five."_

_- - - - - _

_They reconvened outside the dojo, near the rear gate. Nabiki glanced around. "Okay, we got enough room here; there's gonna be some action in this one." She flipped through the script. "Dad and Happousai, on set; Saotome-san and Doc, on at second cue."_

_"Ready, Nabiki."_

_"Ranma, you're on at third cue. Dad, Happousai, remember, you're very angry with these two. Dad, they killed your daughter." She glanced over at Happousai. "Happi, they killed a sweet innocent girl."_

_Happousai shrugged. "No problem."_

_"Not good enough. They killed a beautiful, leggy girl with a closet full of as-yet unworn undergarments."_

_"Oh, that's very different!" Happousai cracked his knuckles._

_"Okay, then. We're set." She clicked the remote. "Rolling, and...action!"_

"I'm just saying that if you don't get over this, you're going to kill yourself." Happousai paused to draw on his pipe.

"Brother, I am glad you're concerned for me, but please." Soun sighed. "I don't want any more advice. You've given me more than I can stomach already. My daughter is dead!" Tears streamed from his eyes. "Too easily I believed them. But now my heart tells me the truth. Those baseless louts! Their lies killed her, as certain as if they'd plunged a dagger into her chest..." He paused. "Wasn't this supposed to be a modern remake?"

_"Cut." Nabiki sighed. "Why didn't you mention this before we started?"_

_"I'm sorry, Nabiki. It just occurred to me. Why a dagger? That's rather primitive, and not at all Japanese."_

_"You're right, I guess." She considered. "Okay. Run with what seems right. I can trust you with this. From Dad's line." She stepped back. "Action!"_

"Brother, I am glad you're concerned for me, but please." Soun sighed, then looked up as Saotome and Tofu approached. "Wait! I'm not done my lines!"

_"Cut!" Nabiki waved them off. "That wasn't your cue!"_

_"Oops." Tofu rubbed the back of his head. "I'm a doctor, not an actor!"_

_"Oy." She rolled her eyes. "Watch me. Wait for the cue. This is your cue." She raised a finger, moved it in a half-circle. "Got it?"_

_"Yes. Sorry."_

_"It's not a verbal cue; I can't use those while the camera is running. Okay. Let's try it again from Dad's line."_

"Brother, I am glad you're concerned for me, but please." Soun sighed. "I don't want any more advice. You've given me more than I can stomach already. My daughter is dead!" Tears streamed from his eyes. "Too easily I believed them. But now my heart tells me the truth. Those baseless louts! Their lies killed her, as certain as if they'd shot her. Is it any wonder that I am filled with grief and vengeance? Could any father be less so?"

"No, my brother. I can agree with you on that." Happousai sighed. "But do yourself a favour. Dwell less on the grief, and more on the vengeance." He pointed towards the house. "Here they come now."

Soun turned to face the two. And waited. And waited some more.

_"Cut." Nabiki sighed. "Now, I know I forgot the cue, but shouldn't you have _realized _that that was your entry."_

_"But you told us to--"_

_"Yes. I did." Nabiki knuckled her forehead. "Anyone got any Tylenol?"_

_"Here ya go, Nabs." The scriptwriter handed her a bottle._

_"Thanks." She blinked. "When the hell did you get here?"_

_"Just now."_

_"And where the hell have you been?"_

_"Well, you told me we weren't shooting today." He shrugged. "So I went to the Nekohanten, and it was all closed up. Imagine my surprise when I went over to Ucchan's, and it was closed up to. But Konatsu told me that you were shooting today after all, so..."_

_"We had a break in some people's schedule, and I decided to take them up on it."_

_"You have all three of the Nekohanten folk here?"_

_"Yeah, and let me remind you how much it cost just to hire Shampoo." She tossed back the Tylenol. "Okay. From Happousai's line. Saotome-san, Doc, _please _try to show just a hair of initiative, all right?"_

_Genma nodded. "We'll try not to let you down again."_

_"Baka-san, you got that camera?"_

_"I'm on it."_

_"Rolling again. Action!"_

"No, my brother. I can agree with you on that." Happousai sighed. "But do yourself a favour. Dwell less on the grief, and more on the vengeance." He pointed towards the house. "Here they come now."

Soun turned to face the two. "Genma. Tofu. I would have words with you."

"Not now, old friend." Genma waved him off. "We must be going."

"I think now is a perfect time, _old friend._" Soun's voice was chilling. "You have wronged me."

"And how?" Tofu laughed hollowly. "If anyone is wronged here--"

"You shut up, boy!" Tofu winced at the cold voice. "Innocent or guilty, Kasumi deserved far better than the way you have treated her. My daughter is dead because of you!"

Tofu shifted his stance, and Soun laughed.

"You do not scare me, boy. Saotome trained you, and I trained with him; I know every dirty move he's taught you, and have years more training than you."

"I know that, Soun." Tofu did not relax his stance. "I know I can't beat you. I just ask to leave in peace."

"Oh, hell no." Happousai stepped forward. "There's no way you're just walking out of here! Not after the way you besmirched the name of that sweet, innocent girl! She cannot take revenge, but I can do so in her name!"

"Brother—"

"You hold your tongue, Soun." Happousai waved his pipe. "These two _gentlemen_ have slain my favourite niece!" He wiped his eye. "That poor, beautiful girl...How I loved her! She was the only one to treat me kindly—not like the other ingrates around here!"

"But Brother—"

"No! Not another word, Soun! That poor, sweet thing...never to see her lovely face, to hear her sweet voice again. To bask in her kindness..." He looked up, fire in her eyes. "These two foul, loathsome braggarts shall pay!"

"Happousai." Genma looked down sternly at the old man. "I have stated only what I have seen. On my honour. And Tofu was there with me." He shook his head. "I will not argue it further, nor will I fight you."

"Tofu!"

The Doctor turned, to see Ranma approaching. "Good timing, my friend. I think you've just stopped a fight."

"Actually, I'm here to start one."

_"Cut!"_

_Ranma scowled. "Crap. Sorry, Nabiki."_

_"Actually, the Doc jumped the gun this time." Nabiki smirked at Tofu. "Dad had one more line before you." She turned to Happousai. "As for you..."_

_"I know, I know." He sighed. "Stick to my lines."_

_"Actually, no." She shook her head in wonder. "That was really good. Where did you come up with all that?"_

_He shrugged. "You told me to imagine that they'd killed Kasumi."_

_"Yeah, but..." She shook her head. "That was way better than I expected."_

_"Are you kidding? Kasumi's the best cook in here! And such a sweet girl!"_

_"I always wondered why you stayed out of her underwear." She chuckled. "I wish I was paying you; I'd give you a raise." She turned back to Ranma. "First position."_

_"Got it."_

_"From Ranma's entry, please. Action!"_

"Tofu!"

Soun grabbed Happousai's arm. "Come, Brother. I can't let you kill a man for doing what he thought right." He dragged the smaller man towards the dojo.

The Doctor turned, to see Ranma approaching. "Good timing, my friend. I think you've just stopped a fight."

Ranma paused. "Actually, I'm here to start one."

"To start one?"

Ranma shifted to a ready stance. "You've lied, and killed a sweet girl."

"Is there a broken record here?"

"You are a coward, and I call you out on the matter of honour."

Tofu glanced over at Genma. "You know, I do believe Akane has something to do with this."

"Surely not. Doesn't he hate Akane?"

"I'd have thought so, but still."

"Seems he means it, though." Tofu turned back to Ranma. "All right, then. Since it is a matter of honour..."

Ranma stepped forward, and snapped a kick; Tofu parried it, stepped inside his range, and landed a punch to his ribs. Ranma shifted, allowing the blow to glance off, and launched an uppercut. Tofu dodged, then was forced to turn as Ranma leaped clear over him. He barely managed to dodge again, as Ranma's foot passed through the spot his head had been a moment before. He turned, to see Ranma setting up for a powerful blow...

...And Ryouga stepped between them, hands apart.

"That's enough!"

"Dammit, Ryouga! Interferin' in a man-to-man fight!"

"This is important." He turned, and walked through the gate.

_"Cut! Someone grab him before he winds up in Yokohama!"_

_Ranma snagged Ryouga's shirt. "Wrong way, P-Chan."_

_"Who are you calling—"_

_"Shut up." Nabiki sighed. "Right in the middle of an action scene, too! This is gonna be hell to edit around...Ryouga, your other left next time. Got it?"_

_"Yeah, I got it."_

_"Okay, from Ranma's line. Action!"_

"Dammit, Ryouga! Interferin' in a man-to-man fight!"

"This is important." He turned, and walked to the dojo. "Here are two villains we apprehended last night!"

"Villains? These two are friends of Kuno's." He stepped forward. "What have you two done?"

"It was me, Saotome-san." Hiroshi looked a broken man. "I seduced Kodachi."

"Well, that's very silly of you, but not—"

"At the time, she wore Kasumi's kimono, and had her hair down."

Tofu paled. "You mean it was you I saw? You and...Kodachi?"

"Yeah." He looked down. "And after hearing that she died...I feel just plain awful about it. You can kill me if you want."

"You couldn't know that..." Tofu swallowed. "Couldn't know that I'd act so badly..."

Genma laid a hand on Hiroshi's shoulder. "Did Kuno put you up to this?"

"Yeah. Paid me to do it."

"That low..." Genma's fist trembled. "And here I'd thought he'd reformed!"

"No wonder he buggered off so fast," mused Ranma.

"What is this?" Soun had returned, without Happousai in tow. "I've just spoken with the sexton. You two are responsible for my daughter's death?"

"Me, sir." Hiroshi crumpled further. "It was me who—"

"No, it wasn't." Soun shook his head. "You may have played your part, but it was another who set the stage." He scowled. "Genma, my old friend, when I see that Kuno boy next, I shall break every bone in his body."

"I'll help."

Tofu stepped up to Soun, and bowed deeply. "I beg you...I have wronged you and your daughter deeply. Do with me what you will."

Soun considered this. "How thoroughly do you mean this?"

"Anything I can do to make amends..."

"I shall take you at your word. Stand up, boy." He considered. "You know, of course, that my brother was once married."

"I didn't." Tofu straightened.

"His daughter has come here for the wedding. She arrived just today, only to hear the bad news." He frowned in thought. "She's been looking for a husband herself, and she's not terribly fussy. Kasumi got her good looks from my side of the family; Sora is almost identical to her. Marry her; serve her as she pleases; and I will decide that honour is kept."

"I will do so, if she will have me."

"Good! Then it's all decided!" Soun laughed.

Ryouga tapped him on the shoulder. "Not quite all, sir." He jerked a thumb towards the two prisoners. "There's still the matter of punishment for those two."

"Oh, yes. Well, it won't be too harsh—"

"But that one, sir...When you get around to punishing him, please remember that he called me a pig."

_"Cut! Hot damn, that one went quite well."_

_Ranma looked puzzled. "But there were so many out-takes--"_

_"Yeah, but given the amount of clean lines we got out of it, I'm actually kind of impressed." Nabiki grinned. "All right. Tomorrow's casting call: Ranma, Akane, Dad, Ukyo, Happousai, Kasumi, Tsubasa. Be there, or forfeit your pay; Act Five Scene Two is the final shooting." She turned to the scriptwriter. "And you make damned sure you're there, or I'll make your life a living hell."_

_"I wouldn't miss it for the world."_

_There was something about his voice that caught her attention, and once again, she wondered just what he was up to._

* * *


	9. Act Five, Scene Two

** Disclaimer **

Takahashi Rumiko created Ranma 1/2 and all of the characters and situations found therein. I have no rights to them whatsoever, and hope that she and anyone to whom they have been properly licenced do not sue me.

William Shakespeare has been credited with the creation of Much Ado About Nothing, but regardless of whoever actually wrote it, I don't think I'm in danger of being sued for misusing it. My apologies nonetheless to the Bard.

* * *

_"I screwed up." The scriptwriter stared down at the script in his hands. "The first part of this scene..." He grabbed a highlighter from the table, and marked the pages. "Up to here. Major continuity violation."_

_Nabiki frowned. "What do we do about it?"_

_He shrugged. "Just delete it, I guess. It's not precisely critical." He set down the yellow marker, picked up a red pen, and make a few changes to the script. "That ought to take care of it."_

_Nabiki looked at the changes, and said, "This somewhat reduces Ranma's role."_

_"I know, but I think that it will save you eight thousand in the budget." He smirked. "We won't need Shampoo today after all."_

_She flipped through the script rapidly. "She gets one line here." She grabbed the red pen, and scratched out two lines. "Now she doesn't. About time you actually saved me money, instead of costing me money."_

_"Hey, I want this thing done as much as you."_

_"Well, let me remind you of something." Nabiki picked up her coffee cup, sipped the rich brew. "This is the last scene. Finis. If we can do this scene all today – and that shouldn't be too hard – we are completely done."_

_"I know."_

_"Good." She stared at him across the cup. "Do try not to screw it up." She drained the cup, slammed it down on the table. "Let's go. We're on location in ten."_

_- - - - -_

_"Hey, Nabiki." Ranma looked up from his red-marked script. "You realize I gotta sing in this scene, right?"_

_"Yes."_

_He frowned. "Sure that's a good idea? I mean, I'm not a very good singer."_

_"That's precisely what we need."_

_"No, I mean, I'm really bad."_

_Nabiki considered, then said, "Well, Ranma, if you don't think you've got what it takes to sing, even badly, for the camera—"_

_"That's not what I meant!"_

_She grinned at his bristling. "Well, in that case, get on set. Akane, first position. Hey, ugly. You got that camera in place?"_

_"Almost." The scriptwriter was struggling to place the camera at the high angle Nabiki had requested. "Sure this scene can't be shot from further down?"_

_"No, I need the high angle. And we'll have a cut for camera move halfway through."_

_"Bloody..."_

_"Shut up and work." She dropped into her director's chair, and picked up her remote. "You know, I checked the original script, and this was originally three scenes. Why did you meld them all?"_

_"Location." He stepped down. "This part of the compound is particularly nice, so I wrote it with this area in mind."_

_"Yeah, but I'm gonna want to move the cameras a fair amount. That one will stay where it is for the most part."_

_"Okay, it's there. Now what?"_

_Nabiki yelled out, "Positions!" The cast members scurried to their places, and Nabiki glanced down at the script. "Ranma, from your revised point. You ready?"_

_"Yep." He tossed the script out of camera arc._

_"Cameras." Nabiki hit the remote, then yelled, "Action!"_

* * *

**Tail Kinker Presents **

**In Association with TN Enterprises **

**Much Ado About Ranma**

* * *

"The god of love,

That sits above,

And knows me, and knows me,

How pitiful I deserve,--"

Ranma paused, and rubbed his ears. "Okay, so I shouldn't sing. Better stick to what I know." He glanced up as Akane walked into the garden. "Akane! Yo, thanks; I wasn't sure that you'd actually show up."

"Only as long as needed." She grinned. "What happened with you and Tofu?"

"Well, we threw a few blows, but then--"

"You didn't do it, did you?" She darkened. "I ask you one thing--"

"Wait, Akane. Listen to me for once, will ya?"

"Fine." She crossed her arms. "I'm listening."

"Tofu has seen the error of his ways. He apologized to your father, and he's going to make amends."

She considered this. "I guess that's good enough."

Ranma smirked. "I always deliver. Isn't that why you love me?"

"That, and a host of other bad reasons. Which taken all together, aren't that bad after all." She smirked. "You put up with me for as many bad reasons, I imagine."

"'Put up with' is a good way of puttin' it."

Akane laughed. "You do a good job of putting up with me, too."

"Yeah...seems we've been fightin' this long just for cover." He paused. "Nabiki, what the heck are ya tryin' with this, anyway?"

_"Cut." Nabiki's voice was weary. "Ranma, please. I know you're a martial artist, not an actor, but please. Try to stay in character, okay?"_

_"Sorry."_

_"Well, let's make the best of this. Get camera one moved to over there." The scriptwriter scrambled to carry out her orders. "We'll start this again from Akane's line."_

_"Camera's up again. Hey, it's still rolling!"_

_"That's fine. I put a half-gig card in it myself."_

_"Okay."_

_Nabiki stood, and moved to the edge of the camera's field of view. "From Akane's line. Action!"_

Akane laughed. "You do a good job of putting up with me, too."

"Yeah...seems we've been fightin' this long just for cover." He paused. "How is your sister?"

Akane looked down. "She still feels really terrible."

"And you?"

"I don't feel so great either."

"Well, don't worry. Good news is about to arrive."

Nabiki ran up to the two. "Have you told her?"

Ranma shrugged. "Naw. I figured I'd let her hear it from you."

"What?" Akane looked confused.

Nabiki grinned. "We got a full confession from the real villains; Kuno was behind it all. Kasumi's name is clear again."

Akane's eyes shone. "That's great news, Sis!" Her face fell. "Oops."

_"That's all right, Akane, I've done the same thing. We'll just start again from your line."_

_"I feel stupid."_

_"Don't feel stupid. Just get back in on your line, the cameras are still rolling!"_

Akane's eyes shone. "That's great news, Nabiki!"

"The priest is on his way here now, along with your sister. Tofu, your dad, and Saotome-san will be along any minute now. The whole party will be here, and I need to go--" She turned, and ran from the gardens. Seconds later, she returned with her father, Happousai, and the priest, as well as a tall woman, veiled in a white gown.

The priest laughed. "Did I not tell you she was innocent?"

"So are Tofu and Saotome. They believed the lies that were told them, but--" Soun shook his head. "Kodachi will have to be punished for this."

"Not too badly, I hope." Happousai drew on his pipe, then continued. "She was as much a dupe as anyone else."

Ranma sighed. "I'm just glad we found out before I beat poor Tofu into the ground over it all."

"Nabiki, Akane." Soun waved a hand. "Your veils, please."

"Certainly, Father. Come on, Nabiki, this'll be the most fun part." She grabbed the taller girl's hand and dragged her off, followed by the veiled woman.

Ranma turned to the priest. "It seems I may need your services myself."

"Oh?"

He turned again, to face Soun. "Tendo-san, Akane and I have kinda come to an agreement."

Soun looked at him expectantly. "Yes?"

"And we were kinda wonderin'...Can we make this a double wedding?"

The priest started in surprise. Soun burst into tears. "My little girl is getting married!"

"Not with my help," scowled the priest.

_"Cut!" Nabiki stormed back onto the set, and flipped up her veil. "Ukyo--"_

_"I know, I'm not a real priest." Ukyo cracked her knuckles. "But this is just a little more than I can put up with, all right?"_

_"But—"_

_"Look, I know, it's just a movie, all right?" She sighed. "You're just gonna have to put up with a sour-faced priest during this sham, is all."_

_"I can live with that. I can't live with any more delays!"_

_"Uh, Nabs..." The scriptwriter walked up, almost cringing. "We got a low battery alarm on camera one."_

_Nabiki dug into her pocket, and pulled out a spare battery pack. "Change it! And don't call me Nabs!"_

_"Right."_

_Ukyo watched the scriptwriter shuffle off towards the camera. "Uh, Nabiki...why didn't you recharge the batteries last night?"_

_"I did. The spares. It was _his _job to recharge the main camera batteries."_

_"So why—"_

_"Tell you later." She flipped her veil back down. "We'll resume from Ranma's line."_

_"Which one?"_

_"'And we were kinda wondering.'"_

_"Okay." Ranma nodded, and Nabiki stormed back off the set. He watched her stalk off, and grinned. "Gettin' kinda grumpy, ain't she?"_

_"Action!"_

"And we were kinda wonderin'...Can we make this a double wedding?"

The priest started in surprise. Soun burst into tears. "My little girl is getting married!"

The priest nodded sourly. "You will have my help."

"Excellent! Oh, happy day!" Soun showed no signs of running out of tears. "And here comes Tofu and Saotome-san!"

Tofu walked up to Soun, and bowed deeply. "Again, my good host, I apologize."

"You are here to make amends, boy." Happousai poked him in the ribs. "Are you ready?"

"I am. Ready to pledge my entire life to Hero's memory." He paused. "Oh, no."

_"That's fine, Doc. From the Doc's line. Keep going, the cameras are rolling!"_

"I am. Ready to pledge my entire life to Kasumi's memory." He turned, as three veiled girls approached. "And which of these three shall it be?"

"Can you not see it, my boy?" Happousai waved a hand towards the three. "Which of these is most like her?"

He hesitated, then reached forward and took the hand of the tallest of the three. "This one, I think. She is the tallest, nearly as tall as Kasumi." He leaned a bit closer. "Please, show me your face."

"No." Happousai shook his head.

Soun continued. "Not until you take her hand before the priest, and swear to marry her."

He stepped back, and the girl followed. "Before this priest, I do swear to marry you. If you will have me, I shall be your husband."

"And while I lived, I was your other wife." Kasumi drew back the veil.

Tofu's face twisted into a hate-filled visage. "You!" He drew back a fist, and Tendo grabbed his arm.

_"Oh, crap, he's wearing the jewel right-side up!" Nabiki threw back her veil. "Ranma, get his other arm!"_

_"I got him."_

_Nabiki reached forward and plucked the Reversal Jewel from Tofu's lapel. His face went from frenzied to fogged, but only until Nabiki got the Jewel flipped and pinned back on._

_"You okay, Doc?"_

_"Yeah." He glanced over to Kasumi. "I'm really sorry—"_

_"Don't be." She smiled. "You're better now."_

_Nabiki flipped her veil back over her face. "Okay, back in place, everyone. From the Doc's line. Kasumi, your veil. Action!"_

"Before this priest, I do swear to marry you. If you will have me, I shall be your husband."

"And while I lived, I was your other wife." Kasumi drew back the veil.

"...Kasumi?"

"I died, but only until the lies against me died." She smiled up at him.

The priest spoke up. "I shall tell the tale of Kasumi's miraculous resurrection, once the ceremonies are complete."

"Just a moment, Ukyo." Ranma turned to the other two girls. "'Fraid I'm not as perceptive as the Doc. Which of you two is Akane?"

"That would be me." She stepped forward and flipped back her veil.

"Akane...You love me, right?"

She tilted her head. "Only as much as you deserve."

Snickers ran around the wedding party. Ranma scratched his head. "Well, your Pop and my Pop, and Tofu for that matter, well, they all kinda think you do."

"And do you love me?"

"Only as much as ya deserve!"

More snickers, and now Akane looked confused. "But my sister told me...and so did Nabiki and Kodachi..." She stopped as realization dawned.

"They told me you were pinin' away for me!"

"And they told me that..." She darkened. "Dad!"

"Oh, come on, Akane!" Soun grinned. "We all know you two have loved each other almost as long as you've known each other!"

"Here's proof!" Tofu held up a scrap of paper. "It's a bad song, but he wrote it for her!"

"Here's more!" Nabiki held up a diary. "Full of stuff about how she loves him!"

There was a pause.

"Nabiki..." Akane swallowed. "That's not a prop."

_"I know."_

_"That's really my diary."_

_"Yes, I know." She turned to the scriptwriter. "Get that camera moved. No time like the present."_

_"Nabiki!" Akane was looking desperate._

_"Camera two, Nabs?"_

_"Yes. And for the last time, don't call me—"_

_"NABIKI!"_

_"What?" Nabiki turned and looked innocently at her._

_"Give me that diary!"_

_"No, we still need it for a prop." She handed it to Ranma. "Here, hold this a minute, will you?"_

_"No!" Akane lunged forward, but Ranma danced out of her reach._

_"There must be somethin' good in here..." He fumbled with the catch, then looked up. "It's locked!"_

_Akane took advantage of his distraction to snatch back the diary._

_"Hey, Akane. Is that really full of—"_

_"NO!"_

_"Methinks the lady doth protest too much," muttered the scriptwriter. "Okay, it's in place."_

_Nabiki took the diary from the blushing Akane, then stepped back and lowered her veil again. "Okay, from my line. Action."_

"Here's more!" Nabiki held up a diary. "Full of stuff about how she loves him!"

There was a pause.

Ranma chuckled. "Looks like we've outsmarted ourselves."

Akane laughed unsteadily. "Well, to tell the truth, I only loved you because I thought you were dying."

"Oh, really?" He grabbed her arms, and pulled her in for a kiss. The wedding party broke out into a chorus of cheers, and when he released her, she gasped for breath.

"Damn, I had no idea you could kiss like that!"

Chuckles ran around the group, and Ranma turned to Tofu. "Seems you were right about me after all."

Tofu nodded. "And I think that this once, you're happy to be wrong."

_"Cut! And that's a wrap! Filming on this movie is over!"_

_Akane jerked back from Ranma's grip, and rapped his head. "Give a girl warning!"_

_He rubbed his forehead. "Ya read the script, didn't ya?" He turned the other way, to find himself facing Ukyo._

_"About that kiss, Ranchan..." She rolled up a sleeve._

_Nabiki turned away from the mayhem erupting in the garden. "All right. We've already got most of the stuff digitized. Just have to run the capture on today's shooting, and I can send it all off to the editor."_

_"Yeah, about that." The scriptwriter tapped his lip with his pen. "How much is that going to set you back?"_

_"Twelve grand."_

_"Ouch."_

_"Yes."_

_He paused, then said, "What if I could get it done for you, for free?"_

_She frowned. "I'm listening."_

_"I've got a buddy in the States who's pretty good at editing digital video. We can fire it across the net as chunks, and he can splice it together for you."_

_"And what will he charge?"_

_"Oh, he's willing to do it for fun."_

_Nabiki's frown deepened. "And why are you suggesting this?"_

_"Well, it would save you that twelve thousand, right? So you'd win the bet."_

_She nodded. "Go on."_

_"I've been keeping track of the budget most carefully, Nabs."_

_"Don't call me—"_

_"Oh, I think I will." He grinned. "You see, I know that because of the lost memory on the video card, the damage to the camera—I'm so glad that _you _dropped it, not me—the wages you had to pay the Amazons, not to mention Ichiro and Jiro...well, after all these expenses, you're going to be over budget. By about three thousand yen."_

_Nabiki sighed. "How much is Hasegawa paying you?"_

_"Well, he offered ten thousand. That's about a hundred bucks, where I come from. He can afford it—you wagered the entire budget, as I recall."_

_"Yes," she said sourly. "And you're willing to walk away from ten grand. Why?"_

_"Simple." He grinned. "I asked you out for coffee earlier, if you recall. Now, it has to be dinner and a movie. And I'll get Ben to do the editing for free. And who knows? You might discover that you like me more than you admit."_

_"Ah, I see." She smiled. "Shooting this romantic comedy has gone to your head." She paused. "You know, I've discovered already that I like you more than you thought. You're evil and devious, and I can respect that."_

_"Good! What time—"_

_"I'm not done." She raised a hand. "You're devious, but not in my league. I'm nowhere near over budget."_

_"...Eh?"_

_"Yes, I had to pay Ichiro, Jiro and Shampoo. I did not have to pay Mousse or Cologne, however."_

_The scriptwriter's jaw dropped. "But you told me—"_

_"No, I never did. I believe I mentioned that I had to pay Shampoo, but the other two volunteered. Well, technically," she amended, "Mousse was voluntold. So your estimate of the budget is off by sixteen grand."_

_"Ouch."_

_"Yes."_

_He considered this for a moment, then looked up. "Well, how about dinner and a movie anyway?"_

_"No. Because you are evil and devious. And Akane was right; you're a pervert, too." She turned. "Akane? I'm done with him now."_

_"Excellent!" Akane cracked her knuckles and stepped forward._

_"And while he enjoys his flight back to Canada, via Air Akane..." She grinned, and tossed the memory chip in her hand. "I have to get ahold of my editor."_

**-FINIS-**

**Author's Notes and Ramblings**

For those astute readers who noticed, yes, this was an SI fic. But I wrote it from the beginning with the expectation that it would be a bit of a parody of SI fics. The scriptwriter, having no more talents than myself, fares poorly in the Ranmaverse, failing in just about every goal he has.

Except for possibly the writing. If he failed in that, I do apologize to my readers.

I had a lot of fun with this one, despite the writer's block that paralysed me towards the end. And I hope that you, honoured readers, also enjoyed it.


End file.
